Disclaimer: All hail Paramount. I’m just letting the characters have some fun!
Partnership (an episode edition to “Drive”)
by Mizvoy
“Damn it, Chakotay, I hate to lose!”
“We may have lost the race, but we saved the peace and avoided losing two of our best officers in the balance. Can’t you take solace in that?”
Captain Kathryn Janeway turned to face her first officer with a crooked grin on her face. “Sounds like sour grapes to me. Couldn’t we have done it all?”
Chakotay smiled, knowing she was just making a joke. “Apparently not this time.”
She gestured at the ready room sofa. “Have a seat. I want some company with my morning coffee. Anything for you?”
“That Vulcan tea Tuvok shared with you, only sweet.”
She handed him his mug and then sat down close to him, their thighs nearly touching. “It was a lovely ceremony, didn’t you think?”
“Yes. I’ve always dreamed of escorting a bride to her wedding, and I thought B’Elanna was beautiful in her white dress.”
“I just wish Admiral Paris could know what a fine man Tom’s turned out to be. I wish they could’ve had their families with them for such a special event in their lives.”
Chakotay sighed and put his arm around her. “We’re all doing the best we can out here. They feel like we’re their family, you know, and that we’re here for them.” He studied her profile, which clearly showed the conflict of emotions she felt. “Kathryn, they’re happy, blissfully happy. If they don’t feel sorry for themselves, then you shouldn’t feel sorry for them, either.”
She looked up at him, her eyes dark with emotion. “Who says I feel sorry for them?”
He chuckled. “Oh, I didn’t realize that this was a pity party!”
She gave him a playful punch in the stomach, and then leaned back against his arm. “Something like that.”
“You’re jealous of them?”
She closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of his body. “Aren’t you?”
“A little, I guess. Everyone dreams of a happy marriage. But, I’ve learned to be grateful for what I have.”
“Which isn’t much,” she sighed.
“I’m not complaining.”
She stood up and gave him a long look. “Well, I am.”
He watched her walk to her desk and activate her computer screen. “Let me guess. Our morning coffee klatch has ended?”
She sat still and silent for a long moment, and then she swiveled in her seat to face him. “I can’t talk about this, Chakotay. I can’t think about it. I know it’s difficult for you, too, but I have to do what I have to do to get through the day.” She held her hand up to keep him from interrupting. “I know, one day at a time. I’m growing weary of this one day at a time advice! It’s been years, Chakotay, and it’s going to be years, yet.”
He rubbed his face with his hands, frustrated and worried. “I don’t want to give up on the possibilities of the future, no matter how long it takes. I don’t think you do, either. Why don’t you take some time off? Everyone else has visited the planet or spent extended time on the holodeck. Why not go back to Fair Haven for awhile?”
“Michael is a poor substitute.”
“You want to change parameters?”
“Not yet,” she whispered.
“What?” He couldn’t believe his ears. Had she actually implied that she might remove or adjust the limits they’d placed on their relationship?
“I think you heard me,” she grinned. “I need to get to work. Could you monitor the recalibration of the phaser alignment today? Tuvok and I are going to meet with the Allai ambassador to discuss the security measures at our departure celebration.”
He nodded and started to leave, pausing by her desk to give her the mug of unfinished coffee. “Dinner tonight? I’m cooking.”
“I wouldn’t miss it. And Chakotay.”
“Yes?”
“I’m not really jealous of them. I’m glad for them. I want everyone to be happy. Tom actually thanked me for stranding us out here, because otherwise he would never have met B’Elanna.”
“Congratulations! That’s two members of the crew who are glad you destroyed the Caretaker’s array!”
“Only 144 to go,” she laughed.
“Make that 143. I’m glad, too.”
“Chakotay!”
“Really. Like Tom and B’Elanna, we never would have gotten to know each other, would we? You would have arrested me and thrown me in prison. And then you would’ve gone on with your life. We never would have become friends.'”
“I guess not.” She sat back in her chair, thinking. “I always focus on what we’ve left behind in the Alpha Quadrant. Maybe I should think once in awhile about what we’ve gained by being here.” She shook her head. “However, I think that perhaps you, Tom, and B’Elanna are the exceptions to the rule. I think most people would like to erase the last six years and emerge from the Badlands to their previous lives.”
“Putting aside your guilt and responsibility, Kathryn, how do you feel about what’s happened? How do you feel about our time in the Delta Quadrant?” He sat down in the chair across from her to listen.
She sighed. “When we get home, I think Voyager will be considered the Marco Polo of the 24th century, and our place in Federation history will be legend. That appeals to me. I guess all Starfleet captains aspire to a sort of historical immortality.” She smiled at him as he chuckled. “But, personally? That’s a tough one. I used to divide my life neatly into two categories—personal and professional—and I had no trouble keeping them apart. Mark came with me to Starfleet functions, and I went to his university functions when I was around. His picture took up residence on my desk at work, but he was otherwise invisible. I never talked about him to my crew, and they knew better than to pry.” She paused, her eyes unfocused. “I seldom brought work problems home with me, either. I can actually be a fairly domestic homebody, Chakotay, even though I sometimes think that part of me is gone forever. I love shopping for the house, decorating, finding a special gift for a friend, taking the dog for a walk.” She stopped, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her.
“I’m sorry, Kathryn. I didn’t mean to upset you by making you think about what you’ve lost.”
“It’s not your fault,” she said, giving him a weak smile. “I wish I could learn to integrate those two halves of myself in this job, but I can’t. I’ve wanted to, Chakotay, but the captain always wins out over Kathryn, the responsibility always overwhelms me.”
“I know that. Of course, this has been a negative for you because you’re so restricted by your job. I don’t know why I even asked.”
“But, Chakotay, I am gratified by the friendships I’ve made here. I thought I had good friends before, but now I know I didn’t. I feel as close to you and to the senior staff as I do to my family, and that’s something I would’ve missed. Very much. I hope we can all stay close once we get home.”
“So . . . ”
“So, all things considered, I would still destroy the array.”
“Then let it go.”
“What?”
“Move on, Kathryn. Don’t continue to worry about it. We’ve all made choices that changed our lives in some way, and we never know what might have happened if we’d made other choices. Did you ever think that Voyager and her crew might have been destroyed in the Dominion War? Or our fumbling use of the array may have deposited us right in the middle of a cosmic storm, or a star. It’s dangerous out here, Kathryn, and for all we know, your decision might have saved all our lives.”
“Oh, I know that. I do know.” She glanced back out the window. “I want Tom and B’Elanna to be happy. I envy them for having both a personal and a professional life. I envy all the crew for that.”
“Except me, Kathryn. Like you, I’m bound by my position. We’re both part of the command team.”
“And yet, we can’t really comfort each other, either.”
“We could try.”
She gave him a level look.
“Or not,” he laughed. “Hope springs eternal.”
“We’re going to get home soon, Chakotay. We have to.”
“And face all the unknowns of home instead of the Delta Quadrant?”
“Unknowns?”
“What will happen to the Maquis? Will they court martial you for some of your decisions? Will the people our crew left behind welcome them home? Will we really be able to put our lives back together?”
“Those unknowns don’t frighten me as much as the ones out here.”
“They do me,” he admitted, “because out here we’re together. Once we’re home, the crew will never really be together again.”
“Oh, the crew. I guess that’s right,” she smiled, toying with her cup. “But once we’re home, maybe I can introduce you to the real Kathryn Janeway.”
He smiled her favorite smile, showing his dimples and then started for the door again, turning one last time. “I can’t wait to meet you, Kathryn.” And with a laugh, he left the room.
She wasn’t sure how long she stared at the door after he left, but when she finally stirred, she found herself addressing her ship. “Voyager, it’s been a long six years and you’ve been through hell, but please stay together long enough to get us home.”