Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all things Starfleet belong to Paramount. No infringement intended.

Summary: Another take on the future following Endgame.

Safe Harbor

by Mizvoy

Chapter 4: Wall of Fame

Chakotay walked up to the apartment door and rang the chime. He could hear classical music playing and could smell fresh coffee, the two components he would always associate with Kathryn Janeway’s home. The door opened to reveal Richard Laramie, and Chakotay instinctively stiffened. He knew she and Richard didn’t live together and was surprised to find the man here. While the two men had found an uneasy truce because Kathryn demanded it, they still didn’t like each other much.

“Chakotay. Kathryn’s expecting you, but she’s been detained at work.” He gestured him in. “Coffee? Tea?”

“Tea would be nice.” Kathryn was at work on a Sunday morning. Typical.

Richard headed for the kitchen. “Make yourself at home.”

He headed into the living room and looked around. He had never been in Kathryn’s apartment and was curious about her décor, about what was important to her. He didn’t see a single Starfleet certificate or award, even though she was one of the most highly decorated officers of her time. He spotted a dozen Delta Quadrant artifacts, including a mosaic he’d done for her with rocks from most of the planets they’d visited on their journey. She also displayed a sand painting he’d done on New Earth. The paintings on the wall were by her sister, Phoebe, mostly flowers in vivid colors. Every table’s surface was covered with framed pictures of family and friends.

“I wasn’t sure what kind of tea you liked, but Kathryn had a couple programmed from her days on Voyager,” Richard said, setting a tray on the coffee table. “I warmed up some croissants, too.”

“Thanks, I haven’t eaten.”

“You’re welcome.” He picked up an athletic bag and walked toward the door. “I was really sorry to hear about Seven. She was a special person.”

“Thank you.” Chakotay tried to think of something more to say, something to break the formality between them. All he could come up with was, “She was special to all of us.”

Richard nodded. He knew Chakotay was referring to Kathryn’s special bond to Seven, one that he had never completely accepted or understood. In fact, Seven had been another stumbling block in their relationship. “I have a velocity game this morning,” he explained. “Maybe I’ll see you later.”

“Maybe so. Thanks for the hospitality.”

“No problem.”

Chakotay relaxed considerably once Richard was gone. Pouring a cup of tea, he sipped it as he studied the pictures. One table was family shots, Kathryn with her parents and sister, her sister and family, a few shots of her aunts and uncles, and so on. He spent awhile studying a picture of Kathryn as a young child, marveling at how little she’d changed over the years, the same sparkle in her eye, the same crooked grin, the same barely restrained energy. Another table was filled with men and women he recognized as her friends, most of them shots with spouses and children included. The mantel held pictures of Voyager’s crew, many of them taken by the EMH during what Kathryn called his “shutterbug” period.

Three pictures, though, were turned face down. Curious, he picked up the first one and found a shot of himself and Kathryn in the mess hall. He couldn’t remember the exact time it had been taken and probably hadn’t been conscious at the time of the doctor’s presence. They were in conference, as they so often were, standing close together sharing their thoughts almost by symbiosis. They had reached agreement, he could tell, because she was looking up at him with a satisfied grin, and he was smiling back. It was an intimate moment of friendship and trust. He set it back properly on the mantel.

The second picture was taken during a talent night when she’d convinced him to lampoon themselves on stage. She held an enormous mug, as large as her head, supposedly full of coffee, and he had covered his face with a huge tattoo, reminiscent of Q’s caricature of him. He couldn’t remember the dialogue they’d used, but recalled that Kathryn’s only words had been, “Do it!” The crew had nearly rolled on the floor at their self- satire. He smiled in spite of himself and set that picture up, too.

The last picture had been taken by Kathryn on New Earth and was a solo shot of Chakotay. She had come upon him in the woods while he was meditating and had quietly sat down across from him to wait for him to finish. The surroundings were lush and filled with flowers; he could almost smell the aroma and hear the birdsong from memory. He’d been thinking of her during his meditation, as he did constantly during their exile, and when he’d opened his eyes to see her across from him, his face had lit up with joy. She’d caught that unguarded moment with all its naked emotion. He stared at it, painfully aware of the affection and attachment it revealed.

“Hi.” Kathryn stood near the door putting down a satchel filled with work. “See anyone you recognize?”

He smiled a greeting and held up the portrait. “I’d never seen this one before.”

She joined him in front of the fireplace and looked warmly at the picture, sliding her arm around his waist. “One of my personal favorites. Richard, however, usually turns it face down.”

Chakotay chuckled. “Just my pictures, I notice.”

Her head snapped up, but she refused to take the bait. She shook her head and took the frame from him, standing it properly on the mantel. “I’m guessing that’s tea,” she said pointing at the pot on the table. “Let me get some coffee and we’ll talk.”

He refilled his mug and sat down on the couch, where Kathryn joined him. “Working on a Sunday morning, Kathryn?”

“Well, I’m teaching a class at the Academy starting next term and I had a few things I wanted to bring home to work on. It’s on deep space first contacts.”

“I hope I didn’t interfere.”

“Not at all. I did what I needed to do.” She looked around. “Did Richard leave already?”

“He said he had a velocity game.”

She sighed and leaned forward to get a croissant. “Just as well, I guess.”

“I’m afraid we’re never going to warm up to each other, Kathryn. I’ve tried to get along with him.”

“I know you have, and he has, too. But you two may have been doomed from the start. I think he’s threatened by our friendship.”

“Ah. I can understand that.”

She touched his arm, broaching the subject that had brought about his visit. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for Seven. Or for you.”

“We understood. It all happened so fast, and you were on a deep space mission. Bad timing, that’s all.”

“How are you doing?”

“Better. It’s been six months, and I’ve had some time to come to terms with her death. It’s hard to watch someone you love die.”

“Tell me what happened.”

He sighed. He knew Tom had written Kathryn about Seven’s last days, but he also knew that she needed to hear it again, in person, from him. “The malfunction started so gradually that neither of us noticed it. A stiffness in her hand one morning. An ache in her lower back three days later. Brief moments of double vision. The inability to find the right word. Then, one day she finished regenerating only to discover that she was paralyzed on the left side. I’d gone out to meditate, and when I came back I found her sprawled on the floor of her regeneration chamber.

“We called the EMH, of course, and he had his program transmitted to Dorvan. It didn’t take long to figure out that her cortical implant was malfunctioning again. He gave her less than a week.” His eyes filled with tears.

“Couldn’t you find a replacement?”

“Kathryn, you know there hasn’t been a trace of Borg activity since Voyager returned. Besides, Seven would never kill a drone for a replacement, and we knew the implant would have to be ‘active’ to work.”

She put her arm around him, fighting tears. “We should’ve anticipated this. The first implant lasted only four years. We should’ve expected that the one Icheb gave her would also malfunction eventually and planned ahead.”

Chakotay gave her a weak smile. “We didn’t know that, Kathryn. There’s no way we could’ve prepared for this anyway.”

“She was too young, Chakotay. I feel so guilty for taking her from the Collective, for shortening her life.”

“Don’t feel guilty. She said the years she spent as an individual were the best of her life. She would never go back, you know.” He took her hand. “She loved you, Kathryn, and appreciated the faith you always showed in her potential. You were like a mother to her.”

She brushed tears from her eyes. “How long?”

“She lost consciousness just a couple of days later. She didn’t quite make the week. She’s buried on Dorvan. All the Maquis attended the ceremony. It was special and touching. She would’ve loved knowing that they all cared for her.”

“Oh, Chakotay! I should’ve been there. I let you both down.”

He smiled at her sadly and pulled her into an embrace, blinking back tears. “You can’t be everywhere at once. Besides, your eulogy arrived in time for the memorial service. Everyone thought it was beautiful, just right. You did all you could for her, Kathryn.”

She buried her face in his chest and sobbed, grateful for his unusual display of physical affection and support. “I should be comforting you,” she mumbled. “And here I am crying like a baby.”

A tear rolled down his face. “I’m comforted just knowing how much you care.”

“Of course I care.” She shifted slightly and settled against him, obviously unwilling to move. “What have you done since the funeral?”

“I just couldn’t stay on Dorvan. Everywhere I went, everyone I saw reminded me of her. I’ve been to Risa, Rigel, Alpha Centauri, and now Earth.”

“Maybe you could stick around for awhile? There are always mini- reunions as the Voyager crew passes through headquarters. And you can help me work on my first contact class.”

“I’ll think about it. I won’t get in Richard’s way?”

She laughed. “Hardly. The Supreme Court’s next session starts tomorrow. He’ll be leaving for Paris right after lunch.”

“Kathryn, I’m sorry! You should be with him today, not with me!”

“We said our goodbyes before I left for work this morning, Chakotay. In fact, we’re so used to being apart that we almost forget to say goodbye.”

He shook his head. “You’ve been together how long?”

She thought a moment. “A little over six years.” She chuckled. “But we’ve probably spent less than half of that together, in reality. I just got back from my deep space mission two weeks ago, and he’s already leaving for Paris.”

“Is that why you two never married?” When Kathryn blushed and looked away, Chakotay added, “Forget that question. It’s none of my business.”

“No, that’s okay. Marriage is for people who want to spend their lives together. Neither of us is willing to do what it takes to make a marriage work.”

“Rumor has it that Richard has asked you, more than once, but that you always say no.”

She gave him a crooked smile. “Rumor?”

“It’s been a frequent topic of discussion on Dorvan.”

“Why is my former crew so fascinated with my personal life?”

“We just want you to be happy,” he admitted. She gave him a funny look and pulled away, suddenly uncomfortable. He wondered what he’d said to upset her. Wasn’t she happy?

“I’m going to change into something less official,” she said, heading toward the back of the apartment as she pulled her rank pips off of her collar. “Make yourself at home.”

“Where can I access the communications net?” he called after her.

“Use the computer in my study. It’s right through that door.”

Kathryn’s study was all Starfleet. All of her awards and commendations covered an entire wall, interspersed with pictures of dignitaries and officials shaking her hand or posing with her. Most of her mementos from Voyager’s ready room were there along with others added since then. He stood in front of the impressive display in amazement. She’d received every possible award—except the Federation cross, which she’d no doubt get upon retirement—and she’d met everybody who was anybody, and had the picture to prove it. Yet, as far as he could tell, she was the same person he’d always known and . . . well . . . loved.

With a sigh, he went to her desk and activated the view screen. While he waited for his messages to download, he noticed the picture on her desk—Voyager’s crew the night they’d celebrated family, the night she’d learned that her personal hero, Shannon O’Donnell, had not been the total success Kathryn had thought she was. He picked up the picture, realizing that the requisite “boyfriend” shot wasn’t here. No picture of Richard. Odd.

She appeared at the door in slacks and a soft sweater. “Did you see the ‘I love me’ wall?”

“Quite a display. I’m surprised you can get your head into a room this small.”

She laughed out loud. “I’ve missed your sense of humor.”

While he scrolled through his messages, she pulled open the drapes, letting the late morning sun shine in. He finished quickly, finding little of interest, and watched her. “This is nice,” he said, “seeing you in a more relaxed atmosphere.”

“Well, I know I was the captain 24/7 on Voyager, Chakotay, but that’s over now. I was always a homebody before, believe it or not, and I always enjoyed my life away from work.”

“I can believe that,” he said, remembering the very different Kathryn he’d seen on Quarren, the way she had so quickly moved in with her lover Jaffen. He walked over to her and turned her to face him, his hands on her arms. “You are happy, aren’t you?”

She winced slightly and moved away. “Happiness is overrated.”

“You’re kidding, right?” When she didn’t reply, he decided to risk pursuing it. “What’s wrong, Kathryn?”

She was quiet a long time before she started speaking, and even then she refused to look him in the eye. “I promised myself that I wouldn’t become the lonely, cold, hard-hearted admiral who came back in time to rescue Voyager, yet I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s happening. I was conditioned for so many years to deny my emotions and needs that it’s become a habit, a way of life.”

“You always did put duty above your own happiness. You just have to break the habit.”

She felt tears on her cheeks. “I feel like any decision that is based just on my happiness is selfish. I don’t feel like I deserve happiness, Chakotay.”

He reached up and brushed her tears away with his thumbs, gently cradling her face in his big hands. “If ever anyone in this universe deserved happiness, Kathryn, it’s you.”

She felt herself crumbling into him. He supported her and led her to the nearby sofa. “I’m so embarrassed,” she sobbed, “crying on your shoulder twice in one day.”

“First, cry this out, Kathryn. Then, tell me the truth.”

She nodded and sobbed into his chest until he could feel the dampness soak through to his skin. Finally, she sat up. “Do you have a handkerchief?”

“I’ll get one,” he said, heading for the replicator behind her desk. He watched her dry her eyes and blow her nose. “Now. What’s wrong?”

“Oh, Chakotay, I’m so unhappy. I travel all the time. So much that I don’t feel like I have a real home. I’d love to have a dog, but it would be unfair to leave it here in a kennel most of the time. I’d like to settle down, stay planet side awhile.”

“So why don’t you? There must be half a dozen jobs you could take right here in San Francisco.”

She just looked at him. “That’s the real question, isn’t it? I could easily transfer to a HQ job, or teach at the Academy, or do some research. All I’d have to do is make a couple of calls to the right people.”

“But you haven’t done it. Why not?”

She studied her hands. “Richard.” She looked up into Chakotay’s confused face and smiled. “If I took a desk job, he’d really pressure me to marry him.”

“And you don’t want to marry him.”

“Neither of us is willing to do what it takes . . .”

“I heard all that before, Kathryn, and frankly I don’t believe it. What’s the real reason?”

She laughed. “You don’t mince words. I like that about you.”

“I’m lucky you do, or I’d have been in the brig more than once on Voyager.”

“You make me face the truth, Chakotay. I’ve needed to do that.”

“And what is this truth you need to face?”

“I don’t love Richard enough to marry him.”

Chakotay gave her a sympathetic smile. “You’ve been using your job and its travel requirements as an excuse to keep him at arm’s length.”

“I think so,” she nodded. “And he’s been willing to settle for whatever scraps of attention I give him. At least he was until we came to Dorvan last year. Since then, he’s been unhappy with my indecision. I think he’s given up on me.”

“What has he done?”

“I returned two weeks ago from a long deep space mission, Chakotay, but it took him four days to join me here. Not exactly the behavior of a lonesome lover. He claimed the delay was caused by a complicated court case, but I heard the it also involved a female law clerk in his office. She shook her head. “With all these long separations, we’ve grown apart.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. He’s been good for you over the years.”

She stood up and smiled. “Yes, he has. But, I need to move on. I think I was using him as a crutch.” She started for the door, beckoning him to follow. “Having made up my mind makes me feel better already. How about a long walk and a leisurely lunch?”

“With coffee, I suppose.”

She took his arm. She knew the next few weeks would be difficult, but she’d survive, especially with Chakotay nearby. She’d survived worse challenges than the end of a love affair. “Lots of coffee.”