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Here There Be Dragons: Part 5

by Mizvoy

One year later

Kathryn Janeway awakened to the familiar thrum of a warp engine. She rolled over in bed, lifting her head just enough to spy the time on the chronometer and realize that she had another thirty minutes before it would be time to get up and prepare for her shift in engineering. She did a few exercises in bed, groaning with satisfaction as her muscles stretched and her body slowly awakened. She was enjoying being a simple member of the crew and leaving the bigger headaches to the captain–in this case, Chakotay.

Not that the Republic’s small cruiser was the equivalent of any Starfleet vessel she remembered commanding. Twelve crewmembers shared the duties of maintaining XY247, as they called the ship, rotating by threes in six hour shifts on and off duty. Most of the time, she and Chakotay shared a rotation, but a problem with the sensor array had necessitated a significant extension to her last shift. It would take a day or two to get their workdays back to normal. In the meantime, she would have to adjust to sleeping alone.

In the year since they’d decided to pursue a relationship, Kathryn and Chakotay had done everything possible to avoid being apart. She had given up her work on their home world in order to travel with him when he did his security and defensive tours, and she’d found a great deal of satisfaction in using her military experience once again. He had delegated some of the more remote assignments to others in order to stay closer to home and spend time with her.

She grew closer to Chakotay with each passing day and could no longer imagine a day without him as an intimate part of her life. Her spotty memory was quickly becoming a trivial inconvenience as she became satisfied with her new life and fully integrated into the Republic. Happiness had a way of making her complacent and comfortable. Her need to reclaim her memories or to return to the Federation had faded in the sheer joy of living and working with the man she loved.

She knew, though, that he still worried that she might change her mind when and if her memory returned. In fact, her recollections did return in starts and stops, usually while she slept, and often as a vivid nightmare. Chakotay always held her as she recovered from the trauma of those dreams, listening as she talked and helping her make sense of what she’d experienced, often filling in the gaps that were always missing.

While he assured her of his faith in her, she occasionally caught him looking at her with something close to fear in his eyes, and try as she might, she had yet to convince him that she had no plans to go anywhere without him, no matter what she remembered.

The comm unit buzzed, and she crawled reluctantly out of the warm bed, pulling on a robe as she settled in the desk chair and activated the screen. She smiled when Chakotay’s face appeared. “Are you afraid I’d oversleep?” she teased, resting her chin on her hand. “Worried that you might have to work some extra hours waiting for me to show up?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Actually, Tom feels bad about damaging the sensors with his antics yesterday and arrived early to give us some time together before you come on duty.”

She scowled, “I’m fine, Chakotay.” Kathryn suspected that what they really wanted to do was check on her condition before she went to work. She had given them a scare the day before. She’d been working on the sensor array when she had been badly shocked by a power surge in an engineering console. She could still see the look of panic in Chakotay’s eyes as she regained consciousness in the tiny sickbay, the emergency signals blaring on the biobed panel behind her. Even hours later, he’d been reluctant to be away from her while he worked his shift, leaving only when she’d threatened to move into quarters of her own. “I slept like a baby last night. I feel like a new woman.”

He leaned toward the screen, a grin on his face. “You slept like a snoring baby last night.”

She could feel herself blushing, but knew better than to disagree. “You’ve been on duty ever since I went to bed. How would you know that I was snoring?”

“I came down and checked on you a couple of times,” he admitted, giving her a wary look. Although she resented the way he was overprotective of her, she reminded herself that she had, in his mind, literally risen from the dead just over a year earlier. Why wouldn’t he be upset to think he might lose her again? “I can’t help worrying about you, Kathryn.”

She sighed, giving him an affectionate smile. “I understand. So are you on your way down? Should I replicate some breakfast for us or do I have time for a shower first?”

He peered past her at the unmade bed, a twinkle in his eye. “You haven’t dressed yet?”

“Not yet,” she drawled, giving him a wink as she drew the robe tighter around her. “I was still in bed when you called.”

His eyes darkened with desire. “Don’t move an inch. I’m on my way down.”

Kathryn just smiled and crawled back into bed.

Two weeks later, Kathryn was back in her office in Newland, the capital city of the Republic. Chakotay was late for their lunch date, and she was hesitant to start any new work for fear of being interrupted. She got up from her desk and walked to the window of her office so she could look down the sidewalk toward the operations center. Spring had finally arrived in full force, bringing with it the fragrance of flowers and the nearly irresistible urge to sneak out of the office for a long walk along the river. In fact, they had decided to take some time off and spend a few precious hours eating their lunches and soaking up the sunshine on a park bench in the quadrangle, and Kathryn was anxious to get outside.
She was still staring at the beautiful blue sky when she saw Chakotay leave ops and start across the quadrangle toward her office. She knew at once that something serious had happened by the tension in his body and the way he stared at the sidewalk in front of him as he walked. She wondered if it concerned the three ships that had been detected leaving non-aligned space the previous day. Tom had been piloting the closest ship available to intercept them, and the time would be about right for him to report back with information. She always worried that such missions would bring their people under attack from some of the pirates that thrived in the no-man’s- land off of the Republic’s frontier.

Anxious to hear what had happened, Kathryn left her office in a rush, pausing briefly to inform the secretary about where she was going, and then hurried down the staircase to meet Chakotay. He was so intent on his thoughts that he very nearly ran into her just outside her building.

“Chakotay!” she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the midday foot traffic. “What’s wrong?”

“Kathryn!” He threw his arms around her and gave her a brief hug before he shifted her in his arms and propelled her toward the quadrangle. “We have to talk.”

“Is it Tom? Did he get into trouble? Is he all right?”

“He’s fine. The ships weren’t a threat to us at all. I’ll explain in a minute.” Much to her frustration, Chakotay refused to offer any more information until they’d sat down on a bench beside a secluded walkway and he’d taken her hands in his. “The ships Tom met were from the Federation.”

“The Federation?” For a moment, the words didn’t compute, but then she realized what he’d said. “You mean Starfleet vessels?”

He nodded. “Three Starfleet vessels with Tuvok in command.”

“Tuvok?” She blushed, knowing she sounded like a blithering idiot as she repeated his words once again. “Tuvok brought three ships across non- aligned space? But why?”

“Kathryn, I’ve tried to explain how important you are to the Federation.” He smiled at her, but his eyes were troubled. “You’re one of the most decorated Starfleet officers in history, and, believe me, you should be proud of that. Why wouldn’t they send ships to rescue you after your terrible accident?”

“Rescue me! But, Chakotay, I don’t need to be rescued. I don’t want to be rescued. Don’t they understand that I’m not the Admiral Janeway they think I am?”

“Tom says that Seven of Nine and Voyager’s Emergency Medical Hologram have come with Tuvok. The doctor has devised a treatment that he believes will completely restore your memory.” He looked away, unable to face her as he told her the rest of his news. “You’re supposed to take command of the fleet as soon as possible for their return trip home.”

“Return trip home?” She pulled her hands from his and stood up, suddenly feeling sick with worry. The perfect spring day had been ruined by the dilemma facing her. How could she return to the Federation and leave Chakotay behind? Yet, how could she turn her back on the Federation people who cared for her enough to risk their lives crossing non-aligned space? “I . . . don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. Listen to what they’re proposing and then make up your mind.”

She turned to face him, tears shimmering in her eyes. “I love you, Chakotay. Nothing is going to change that.”

“I know.” He stood up and took her into his arms. “We’ll work this out.”

“When will they be here?”

“Sometime tomorrow morning.”

She nodded, feeling as if she’d been given a death sentence. “My memories of Seven and Tuvok are quite vivid, as you know. But the EMH is vague at best.”

Chakotay laughed. “Well, please don’t tell him that. His ego couldn’t take it.”

She sighed. “Why is it that I think you’re teasing me?”

“Let’s just say that in many ways, the doctor is unforgettable. At least in his own mind, he is.” When Kathryn didn’t laugh at his joke, Chakotay realized just how upset she really was and grew more serious. “Try not to worry,” he said, rubbing her back to soothe her. “Nothing bad will happen. I won’t let it.”

“I’m holding you to that,” she whispered.

B’Elanna switched on the comm unit and laughed at Chakotay’s unshaven face and sleep-tousled hair. He had obviously overslept and looked more than a little upset about it. “Do you know what time it is?” she teased, barely controlling her laughter. “You’re supposed to be at the reception in less than an hour!”
“Have you seen Kathryn?” he demanded.

B’Elanna’s smile faded. “Isn’t she at home with you?”

“I got home after midnight last night and then fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke up a few minutes ago, I discovered that she wasn’t here! She didn’t sleep here last night, and I thought maybe you knew where she was.”

B’Elanna shook her head, her eyes troubled. “I haven’t seen her in a couple of days.”

“Well, if you see her or hear from her, please have her call me.”

“Do you think she’s okay? I mean, the arrival of these ships is sure to have upset her.”

“I know. I was so busy yesterday that I just forgot to keep track of her.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

“You could take my place at the reception, just in case I can’t make it on time. Tell them I had a family emergency. Tell Tuvok I’ll be in touch with him later.”

“Sure, I can do that. Do you think the prime minister will mind?”

“As far as he’s concerned, B’Elanna, you can do no wrong.”

“Only because I redesigned his air conditioning system so it works,” she laughed. “Let me know about Kathryn?”

“Yeah, I will. And thanks.”

Chakotay switched off the unit and sat back in the chair with a groan. He should never have left Kathryn alone after telling her of Tuvok’s arrival. He could still remember the tension and panic on her face as he’d left her in the quadrangle the day before, but they had always let duty get in the way of their personal relationship, and he’d followed that practice once again. It was a bad habit that had just come to an end, he promised himself.

The news of the three ships from the Federation had spread like wildfire through the Republic’s population. Less than ten minutes after he had broken the news to Kathryn, Chakotay had been summoned to the offices of the ruling council to assist in the formal reception of the “diplomatic envoy” from his former home region. Even though he knew that Tuvok’s arrival had left Kathryn feeling threatened and insecure, he felt he’d had no choice but to assist with the planning. And Kathryn had let him go without a word of complaint.

He’d left her in the quadrangle with a promise to return as soon as possible, but now he realized that he should have had B’Elanna or Mike Ayala take over so that he could be with her as she adjusted to this new development in their lives. But, then, to be honest, he’d escaped into his work because he didn’t want to face the possibility that she would leave him.

He had tried to contact her at her office and at their house several times in the intervening hours with no success, but he had been caught up in a whirlwind of activity that had left little time for thought. Not only had he been consulted by the government for such issues as food preferences, lodging expectations, and social and cultural customs, he had been busy with the Maquis crew, who were anxious to see their friends in a more informal setting. Besides Tuvok, Harry Kim, and the EMH, there were twelve other former Voyager crew on the ships, including Seven of Nine, Megan Delaney, Icheb, and Samantha and Naomi Wildman.

And then there had been the press. He had given six quick interviews to the news organizations that were covering the issue with characteristic intensity. They were almost as curious about Kathryn, this lost admiral of Starfleet who was living in their midst, as they were about the three alien vessels approaching the home world. He was grateful that his experience with reporters following Voyager’s return from the Delta Quadrant had taught him how to handle those potentially explosive questions with humor, grace, and vague answers, but he worried about Kathryn’s reaction to her renewed notoriety. He suspected that she wouldn’t be happy about it.

It had been after midnight before he’d returned to their dark, quiet cabin on the outskirts of the city. Frazzled and distracted by the pressure of the last twelve hours, Chakotay had replicated a sandwich and had eaten it while watching the latest newsvids on the visitors from the far side of non- aligned space. He had intended to sleep in his own bed, of course, but the warm food and comfortable sofa had lulled him into a deep slumber that had extended well into the following morning. His concern at waking up so late had been replaced by his panic over Kathryn’s whereabouts.

He would have to find her soon, or there would be a flurry of questions about the reasons behind her absence. The last thing she needed was to have the general public see how conflicted she was about returning to the Federation. But even worse would be to take her to the reception and have her react emotionally to seeing her friends again with the cameras rolling.

He froze, realizing that Kathryn should meet the Starfleet crews privately, not under the glare of the press and observant eyes of the Republic’s diplomatic corps. It would be an emotional moment for everyone involved (with the possible exception of Tuvok), but especially for Kathryn, whose feelings were deep and ambivalent. What had he been thinking?

In the last year, since they had begun living together, the moments of flashback to her former life had decreased, and when they occurred, the memories were almost always of the period before Voyager had been pulled into the Delta Quadrant. Her counselors had told him confidentially that she might be repressing those more troubling memories, that subconsciously she might be unwilling or unable to face the pressure of that period in her life.

“Those sacrifices, while required, are just too excruciating to remember,” Jaye C’Ollan, Kathryn’s counselor, had explained. “I think that on some level of consciousness, she knows that she simply cannot handle the remorse and the anguish of those difficult years. We have to believe that she is better off this way and let nature take its course. In her own time and when she can face the past, she may remember everything on her own.”

On impulse, he sat down at the console and contacted Jaye. “Have you heard from Kathryn?” he demanded as soon as the counselor’s face appeared. “Did she call and talk to you?”

“You mean about the arrival of the Starfleet ships?” The woman nodded solemnly. “She called me yesterday afternoon, terribly upset. I told her to try to relax and not panic about what might or might not happen. How is she today?”

“I can’t find her. She’s not at home. She’s not in her office or with our friends. I was hoping she might be with you.”

“Oh, dear. This is troubling.” She concentrated for a moment, and then said, “Is there a special place where she might go that feels safe to her? Perhaps a favorite hotel or retreat?”

He glanced out the window, noticing for the first time that the latch on the screened porch was unfastened and that the remains of a dinner tray sat on the table beside Kathryn’s favorite chair. Through the door, at the bottom of the hill behind the house he spied the roof of the tiny cabin Kathryn had lived in when she’d first come with him to Republic space. Of course, he realized, she would go there. She had been happy there, and they had spent many hours together there at the beginning of their romance.

“I think she might be at her old cabin,” he said, checking the time and scowling with frustration. There was no way he’d make it to the reception; he was glad that B’Elanna was covering for him. “I’ll keep you posted.”

He shut down the commlink and dashed out the door and down the hill. Please be okay, he thought as he ran toward the tiny cabin.

Chakotay had expected to find the deserted cabin dusty with lack of use, but he found, instead, that it was gleaming with a recent and very thorough cleaning. The floors sparkled with fresh wax. The cabinets and tables glowed with oil. The sink and bath smelled of fresh citrus and flowers. Kathryn must have worked the night through to get the place this spotless.
“Kathryn?” he called, wiping wiped his feet carefully before he stepped on the spotless floor. “Where are you?”

Silence. He walked through the cabin toward the back entrance, noticing that the windows were so clean they were practically invisible. He reached the door and stopped in surprise. Kathryn was on her hands and knees weeding the flower garden along the fence, a garden that hadn’t been touched since she’d moved in with him the previous summer.

“Kathryn?” he repeated, stepping out the door. “What are you doing?”

She looked up at him, so dirty that he wondered if all the dust and grime from the cabin had simply been transferred to her body instead of the cleaning rags. “I’ve let this place go to rack and ruin!” she replied, brushing her hair out of her eyes with the back of her arm. “The weeds have nearly choked out every single flower!” She leaned back down and furiously pulled out the weeds with her bare hands.

Alarm went through his body as he realized that she might have lost contact with reality. He tried to keep the panic out of his voice. “But you don’t live here any more, Kathryn,” he protested. “Nobody lives here.”

She froze, her head drooping between her shoulders. “I need a safe place to go,” she whispered. He saw tears dropping onto the mud between her hands. “I need to keep this place ready just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” He knelt down beside her, leaning over as he tried to see her face. “You’re safe with me, Kathryn.”

She shook her head. “I’m not. They always come and take me away.”

Chakotay frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Tuvok and the doctor.” She looked up at him, brushing away tears with the backs of her hands and leaving smudges of dirt on her face. “Yesterday, after you left, I decided I couldn’t go back to work. I came out here to think about what I should do. About what they want me to do.”

“Because they want you to take command of the ships?”

“They think I’m the admiral, Chakotay.”

“I know.” He sighed, standing up and offering her his hand. “But you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” She swayed slightly as she stood, holding onto him for balance, and he realized that she hadn’t slept and probably hadn’t eaten since he’d seen her the previous day. “Let’s go inside and talk.”

“Okay.” She followed him, her hand on his arm, but the tears still welled up in her eyes.

“Why don’t you clean up while I fix us some breakfast? I overslept and haven’t eaten yet.”

“All right,” she agreed, disappearing into the bathroom.

Once he heard the water running in the shower, Chakotay made oatmeal, replicated fruit and juice, and brewed some decaffeinated coffee. By the time Kathryn reappeared in clean clothes with her wet hair pulled back, the table was set with flowers and an appetizing meal.

“Oh, coffee,” she said, taking the mug he handed her. “And oatmeal.”

They ate in silence for awhile, both of them hungry, and then Chakotay said, “What else happened after you came home?”

She put down her spoon. “The EMH called me.”

“Damn.” He sat back, his frustration clearly etched on his face. “I asked them not to contact you directly.”

“I know. He apologized for doing it, but he’d gotten my latest physical from the hospital and wanted to share the good news.” She looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears. “He and Seven are sure they can restore my memory. It’s merely a matter, he said, of ‘resetting’ the temporal displacement I suffered when my shuttle was caught in the rift.”

“And that’s not a good thing?”

“He said that the process would erase all the memories I have from the two years since the accident. I’d lose all the time with Untraah in non- aligned space,” she choked back a sob, “and all the time we’ve been together. He was so happy about helping me, and I could tell he wanted me to be happy, too.”

Chakotay took her hand. “We can make new memories, Kathryn.”

“But what if . . . what if I . . .”

“What if you aren’t the same person?

“What if I let the memories from before interfere with what we have now? I don’t know what to do, Chakotay. Tuvok and the others have come all this way to help me, traveled all the way across one of the most dangerous regions in the Beta Quadrant just so they can restore my memory and take me home. How can I tell them no?

“You can’t tell them no yet. You need to think it through.”

“But I know I don’t want to lose the memories we have. I don’t want to leave you.”

“I don’t want you to leave me.” He realized that Kathryn was literally trembling with both physical and emotional exhaustion. “But we don’t have to think about that right now. You need some sleep.” He stood up and offered her his hand.

“You’ll stay with me?”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

“What’s taking them so long?” Harry Kim complained as he did his third diagnostic on the transporter station. He was so impatient that he could hardly stand still. Any moment, Chakotay and Kathryn Janeway would be beaming aboard, and he felt like a child waiting for Santa Claus.
Tuvok, who showed no sign of anticipation, answered in a calm voice, “We established no set time, Commander. I believe Chakotay said they would be ready at about 1000 hours. I’m sure we’ll receive word momentarily.”

Harry sighed. While there were many times that he appreciated his captain’s Vulcan equanimity, there were other times when he missed a genuine emotional reaction, the kind of shared excitement he used to see in Captain Janeway’s face. The old timers say that you never really forget your first captain, and Harry knew that in his case that was true. He admitted that he had idolized her and even caught himself imitating her, yet he also knew that she was perhaps one of Starfleet’s finest captains and more than worthy of emulation.

He had been devastated when the admiral’s shuttle had disappeared into thin air. He had volunteered to be on the search team that had spent two months following her ion trail, only to realize that the only clue was a mysterious and inconclusive tachyon resonance near the Serena Expanse. She was gone, this time for good, and he had grieved for her for a long time.

No one had been more thrilled than Harry when they had received word that the admiral had been found on the other side of non-aligned space. When Starfleet proposed sending a small fleet through to the Republic to retrieve her, he had been the first to volunteer, although his name appeared only seconds before Tuvok’s had. He was proud of the fact that fifteen members of Voyager’s crew had signed on for the mission, and he was sure the admiral would be genuinely touched by their loyalty.

A small chirp caught his attention. “Chakotay to Essex. Two to beam up.”

Tuvok turned to Harry and gave him a slight nod. Harry hurriedly activated the mechanism, and moments later, the familiar blue light of the transporter beam filled the room as two figures materialized on the pads.

Chakotay was on the front panel, his body blocking their view of the small woman behind him. Harry thought he heard a slight gasp and then saw Kathryn Janeway step to Chakotay’s side and slip her hand into his. Chakotay looked much as Harry had expected him to, the same muscular body and dimpled grin. Although his hair was liberally salted with gray, he looked good for his age, well rested and fit.

Kathryn Janeway was a completely different story. For one thing, she always seemed smaller and more fragile when she was out of uniform. She wore a loose red sweater, black slacks, and low shoes that made her seem quite a bit shorter than Harry remembered. Her hair had grown long and was pulled back with a clip in a casual style he’d never seen her wear before. Most importantly, he sensed little of the command presence she had habitually exuded after her long tenure as Voyager’s captain. It was as if that façade had been peeled off of her, leaving just the woman behind.

For several moments, Kathryn’s eyes took in the familiar décor of a Starfleet transporter room while the three men simply watched her, waiting for her reaction. At last, she blinked and turned to the two men facing her.

“Tuvok,” she said, her familiar voice washing over Harry like warm water. She stepped from the pad, still holding Chakotay’s hand, and stopped to look up at the Vulcan who had been her oldest friend. “I can’t believe you’re here!”

“All evidence to the contrary,” the Vulcan replied, a twinkle in his eye. “I am gratified to see you, as well.”

Kathryn laughed as she let loose of Chakotay’s hand and gave Tuvok a quick hug. “And people say Vulcans don’t have a sense of humor.”

Harry stiffened as she turned to him. He had somehow made his way around the console and stood staring at her, his mouth agape. “Admiral,” he croaked. “Welcome aboard.”

“Oh, Harry,” she sighed, “look at you! A lieutenant commander and all grown up.” She embraced him tenderly, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek before she stepped back and looked into his face. “But, please, call me Kathryn. I haven’t resumed my former rank.”

“I’m sorry if we were a little late,” Chakotay said as Kathryn returned to his side and took his hand again. “You know how women can be.”

“Unfair,” she protested with a chuckle. “You’re the one who let me sleep too late.”

Their banter was interrupted by the comm system. “Sickbay to Tuvok. Has the admiral arrived yet?” asked the EMH.

“We’re on our way, doctor,” Tuvok replied, gesturing at the door. “Shall we talk on the way?”

Chakotay just sighed. “I see the doctor’s temperament hasn’t changed.”

“Still his endearing self,” Harry agreed.

Kathryn remained strangely silent as they made their way to sickbay, but Harry could tell that she was taking in every sight and sound along the way. She never let loose of Chakotay’s hand, he noticed, and she seemed more than a little nervous. And why wouldn’t she? It had been six years since she’d been a Starfleet admiral, although she apparently had skipped four of those years because of the temporal rift. Add to that the fact that her memory had been damaged, and he suddenly felt a surge of sympathy for her. They were here to rescue her from a life that she was obviously comfortable in.

For the first time, Harry realized that they were causing her as much pain as they were trying to cure. What had she said? “I haven’t resumed my former rank.”

The doctor and Seven of Nine were standing in sickbay when the group arrived. Chakotay pulled Kathryn’s arm through his own as he turned to the former drone. His actions left no doubt as to where his loyalties lay. “Seven, how are you?”

“Chakotay.” Seven nodded at him and turned to Kathryn. “Admiral. I am pleased to see both of you looking so well.”

Seven’s presence affected Kathryn deeply, because she stared at the woman for several long moments before she finally spoke, her voice a whisper, “Seven, you have no idea how glad I am to see you, as well.”

The EMH, clearly exasperated at being overlooked, cleared his throat. “Allow me to welcome you to sickbay, Admiral. Chakotay.”

Kathryn tore her eyes from Seven’s face and turned to carefully study him, recognition flickering across her expression. “Ah, yes. Doctor. How could I have forgotten?”

The EMH scowled and his voice took on a characteristically haughty tone, “Perhaps because no one, including you, took sufficient notice of me.”

Kathryn laughed and gave Chakotay a wink. “I see what you mean,” she whispered, while everyone in the room chuckled.

Soon enough, Kathryn sat on the side of a biobed as the doctor began a thorough examination. Only Chakotay remained in the room, at her insistence, as the doctor did his preliminary scans. Finally, he looked up at her, his eyes sympathetic. “I had no idea just how damaged your memory really is. I had hoped the scans had been garbled during their transmission through non-aligned space.”

“I’ve been trying to recoup some of the details by reading everything I can get my hands on from the database the Maquis brought with them,” she replied calmly. “And I’ve read the official logs and some personal logs from Voyager.”

“Your memories of your early life and schooling are largely intact,” he continued as he studied his readouts. “It’s the recent memories that are the most fragmented, especially from the Voyager years until the present.”

“The doctors here speculate that the high stress I felt during those years might have in some way earmarked them as more tenuous? In any event, I’ve worked hard at filling in the blanks.”

“I suspect it has more to do with the fact that the memories are more recent than with the pressure.” The EMH looked up at her and gestured at the bed. “I’d like to sedate you for the next portion of the examination.”

Kathryn hesitated, her eyes flying to Chakotay’s in alarm. He immediately moved to her side. “I’ll be here. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

“I would never harm you, Admiral. I mean, Kathryn.”

“I know that,” she answered, taking Chakotay’s hand again. “But please do nothing to change my memory yet. I’m still thinking about all you told me yesterday.”

“Ah. You’re concerned about losing your most recent memories,” he replied as he helped her lie down. “I understand. This is merely a more detailed diagnostic.”

She looked up at Chakotay and said, “I’ve already lost too much in my life, doctor. I can’t bear to lose anything else.”

“Just relax,” the EMH said as he pressed the hypospray into her neck. “This will be over before you know it.”

Kathryn’s eyes were locked on Chakotay’s until she slipped into unconsciousness.

“The doctor thinks I should spend a few days on the ship.” Kathryn and Chakotay were sitting in the Essex’s quarters that had been designated for Admiral Janeway’s use, quarters that were eerily similar to the ones she had lived in for seven years on Voyager. While the likeness was upsetting to him, Kathryn seemed oblivious to it. He wondered if she even remembered those other rooms. She waited quietly for him to react. “What do you think?”
He sighed, closing his eyes as he pushed away the panic that was rising along his backbone. The doctor had talked to him about the proposition as well, explaining that Kathryn needed to experience her former life without Chakotay around. He wasn’t happy about it and resented the doctor’s unspoken implication that Chakotay was in some way influencing her decision, but he knew she needed to explore her previous life as thoroughly as possible.

He gave her a reassuring smile. “I think he’s just trying to help you understand what you’ve lost. I want you to make this decision based on the best possible information. I don’t want you to look back later and second guess yourself.”

She had been spending a few hours every day on the Essex, interacting with the crew, touring the ship, and familiarizing herself with the ever-more- familiar Starfleet procedures. But she had limited herself to just short periods of time, returning each night to her home and her life with Chakotay.

“The longer I’m on the ship, the more I become accustomed to Starfleet protocol.”

“I imagine so,” he snorted. “You adhered to that protocol unquestioningly for thirty years.”

She frowned at the irritable tone of his voice, suddenly insecure. “You’re angry with me.”

“I’m not angry.” He stood up, though, and as he began to pace, he realized that he wasn’t being honest with her and that his negative attitude was influencing her decision, just as the doctor had implied. He paused to look at her. “Well, I might be a little irritated. It’s just . . . well, it was our adherence to protocol that kept us apart on Voyager, so, of course, I’m not overjoyed to think about following it again.”

“Oh. I can understand that.”

He resumed his pacing. “Are you going to stay on the ship?”

“I think I will. They’re going to take a two-week tour of some of the Republic member worlds. I thought I could go with them and serve as their guide.”

He nodded. “That makes perfect sense. They’re leaving tomorrow morning?”

“First thing.” She watched him as he stopped pacing and gazed through the window toward the planet below. The darkened area to the south of the capital city was home. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine the moonlight illuminating the lush garden and filling the house with its creamy light. Her voice was soft when she offered, “You could stay here with me tonight.”

He turned and looked at her. Except for the long hair hanging down her back, she looked just like Captain Janeway in her quarters on Voyager, dressed in casual clothing as she usually did when she hosted their weekly working dinner. He was nearly overcome by a wave of pain and frustration caused by the memory of her inaccessibility and remoteness during those days. He repressed the urge to make an unkind remark. “No, I’d better not. It’s late and I have to be at work early in the morning.”

She stood up and came to him, looking up into his eyes. “You are angry with me.”

“I’m not angry.” He took her hands in his and turned her to face him. “It’s the situation. I know that I have to let you go, that you have to do this. I know that I have to be ready for whatever decision you make. I want you to make the right decision for you, Kathryn. If that means that you return to the Federation, I don’t want you to feel guilty about that. I’m grateful for the time we’ve had together.”

“There are all kinds of possibilities for both of us in the Federation. You could come with me.”

They’d never discussed that possibility, he realized, and they needed to. She needed to know what impact every option would have on her life. “Yes, I could go with you, but I won’t. I left the Federation over eight years ago, Kathryn, and I’ve never regretted that decision. My life is here now.”

“I thought you’d feel that way.” She stepped back. “I have everything I’ll need while I’m staying here, so I don’t need to go back to the house.”

He nodded. “Good.”

“Will I hear from you while I’m gone?” she asked, her voice a whisper.

“I don’t think so. I think it’s better for you to do this completely on your own.”

She took a deep breath and studied her hands. “I’m going to miss you. We haven’t been apart more than a day or two in so long.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”

It was very late, after midnight at the house, and she knew he needed to leave. She wanted to kiss him, to hold him for a moment in her arms, but she could see that he was too upset for that. It would be much better for her to keep her distance. “May I walk you to the transporter room?”

He shook his head, his eyes tortured. “I’d rather say goodbye here, in private.”

“All right.”

“You’ll keep them out of trouble.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“I’m only worried about the Stengi rebels. Watch out for the rebels in the Wilderness. They would just love to attack our visitors and embarrass the Republic.”

A small grin appeared on her face. “Yes, you’re right. They’d enjoy embarrassing you.”

Suddenly he was close to her, his body a warm, solid, familiar refuge. He took her face in his palm and looked into her eyes. “I only ask that you remember how much I love you.”

A tear found its way down her cheek and onto his hand. “I won’t forget, Chakotay. I love you, too.”

He brushed her lips with a gentle kiss, and then he was gone.

To be continued . . .