Disclaimer: These characters belong to Paramount. I’m just playing with them!

Here There Be Dragons: Part 4

by Mizvoy

Kathryn walked into the stuffy and very dusty cabin and looked around. “Seems familiar, somehow.”

“Probably because you’ve seen one of these structures before. It’s a standard Starfleet emergency cabin.” Chakotay activated the overhead panel, allowing the early morning sun to shine though the skylight and illuminate the small room. Natural light would have to suffice until power to the small building could be restored later in the day. “I lived here for a year when we first arrived, moving out after I built my log cabin at the top of the hill. It’s small, but cozy. And if you need anything, I’m close by.”

He watched as she walked through the empty rooms, peering into cabinets and closets, dragging her finger through the dust on the counters. In the weeks since they’d found her, the two of them had spent almost every waking moment together, parted only while she underwent extensive testing at the medical facility in the capital city of Newland and, of course, at night. They had slipped into the close, intimate friendship of their Voyager days without so much as a moment’s delay, and Chakotay had been reminded, once again, of how much he’d missed her.

“This would be the galley and living area,” she said, stopping in the doorway at the back of the room. “And through here a little study, a bedroom, and a bath.” She looked at him in confusion, a memory tugging at the back of her mind. “Not two bedrooms?”

“The study can be another bedroom if needed. That’s the way we had it when Voyager had to leave us behind on New Earth.”

“New Earth,” she whispered, nodding her head, the memory faint. “I had a bathtub there, but not in the cabin–outside.”

“That’s right. But this area is too rustic for an outdoor bath. There are some nocturnal animals you’d rather not tangle with; in fact, there are times during the year when it’s better not to be out after dark at all.” He looked around the cabin speculatively. “I can take some room from the study and put a tub in the bath if you’d like.”

“I would like that, when you find the time. While I stayed with Untraah, there was barely enough water to drink, much less for a bath. I had to settle for sponge baths and sonic showers.”

“There’s enough water on this planet for several baths a day, if you want.” He looked around the empty cabin in despair. It was tiny and filthy. “Are you sure you’re up to this? I didn’t realize how dirty the cabin was when I offered it to you.”

“It’s perfect–really.” She looked through the skylight at the strengthening sun. “I’m ready for a place of my own. If you could help me straighten up, I might even be able to stay here tonight.”

“That’s why I’m here,” he assured her. “I’m at your beck and call for the rest of the day.”

Four hours later, after they’d cleaned up the cabin, stocked it with furniture, and stored her meager supply of food and clothing, they retreated to Chakotay’s larger house for a light lunch. By mid-afternoon they’d stretched out on a couple of lounge chairs on his screened porch, enjoying the shade and cool breeze on a hot summer’s afternoon by talking a little, sipping iced tea, and taking short naps.

Kathryn couldn’t remember when she’d felt more relaxed and peaceful, and the feeling made her even more curious about their mutual past. Chakotay seemed reluctant to discuss their relationship, and she had gone along for that at first. But her curiosity finally got the best of her, and she decided to start asking for a little clarification.

She rolled over on her side to face her friend. “We work together well, Chakotay. Has that always been the case?”

“Pretty much,” he replied, opening his eyes slightly and smiling at her. “I think we wanted to trust each other from the first, but it took awhile to get the working relationship right.”

“Why?”

He opened his eyes all the way and regarded her coolly. From her perspective, it must seem like a simple question, yet he was not anxious to delve into the particulars of their complex friendship. “Because I was a criminal you were sent to arrest, for one thing. Because I’d resigned my Starfleet commission and had taken up arms against the Federation, and you assumed I was capable of doing it again if I so desired. Because you wanted to be sure that you were unquestionably the captain–that I wasn’t going to try to undermine your authority and take over the ship.”

Her face grew thoughtful as she considered his explanation. Then, with a shake of her head, she said, “While those reasons all make sense, they can’t be the biggest obstacle we had to overcome.”

“You say that, but you don’t really know.”

“No, I don’t really know about Voyager. I just know that the problem between us wasn’t as simple or as logical as anything you just mentioned.” She smiled at his incredulous look, a sly twinkle in her eye. “We were how many light years from home? Seventy thousand? The issues dividing us no longer mattered because we needed each other. While you might have been a criminal in the Federation, you’d also been a Starfleet officer for twenty years. You knew that our best bet was to join forces, which meant that trusting each other was the only way to survive. We both would’ve known that was true. And I already had the ship and the majority of the crew on my side–I was the captain.”

“Okay, smarty,” he teased, his dimples on full display. “So what was the problem then?”

“The biggest problem was the incredible attraction we felt toward each other.”

His smile faded as his lunch turned to lead in his stomach. The Kathryn he’d known would never have addressed this issue so directly, and he was surprised by her candor. “Our . . . attraction?”

“I’m sorry.” She sat up, suddenly embarrassed at her brazen honesty. It was possible that he didn’t reciprocate the feelings she felt for him, that she alone sensed the invisible connection between them. Perhaps that was why he had left her behind in the Federation, why they hadn’t been together. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

He sat up, too, and faced her. “No, I’m glad you brought it up. It’s just that the subject of our feelings for each other was always something we . . . repressed.”

“Because of our professional relationship.” She smiled a little, relieved to hear him admit that the attraction had been mutual. “Because I was the captain and you were the first officer. Right?”

“Because of that and because I think we both knew our feelings might get in the way at the worst possible moments. Even though we remained only friends, there were many times when we argued bitterly about what course to follow. I’m not sure a more committed relationship would’ve survived the pressure we were under. And, anyway, we needed each other to be captain and first officer more than anything else.”

“But those personal feelings were always there? I’m not imagining it?”

He could feel a blush crawl up his neck. “They were there for me. I was never really sure if they were there for you.”

“They were there for me, too.”

He took her hands in his. “I’m flattered to hear you say that, but you don’t remember what happened then. You can’t remember how you felt, not really.”

“Maybe I can’t remember how I felt then. I just know that the way I feel now seems natural and right. I can’t imagine not feeling this way about you.” She gave him a shy grin. “You’ve said yourself that I’m not that different from the woman you knew then. If so, the captain had to feel for you what I feel now.”

He stared at her, studying her face. “How do you feel about me now?”

“I find you extremely attractive,” she admitted, giving him a crooked smile. “And I feel close to you in a way that I know is special.”

As much as he’d wanted to hear these words from his former captain, Chakotay was skeptical and afraid of being hurt. “I feel the same way toward you, Kathryn. But . . . .”

“But what?”

He dropped her hands and stood up, turning his back to her as he looked down the hill at the tiny cabin. “I keep thinking that once you remember who you really are, once you’re Admiral Janeway again, you’ll pull away from me as you always have before. I couldn’t bear that. It would destroy me.”

Frustrated, Kathryn joined him at the railing. Judging by his hurt feelings, there must have been some other, painful reasons for their separation. “I understand. You hesitate because your memories of our past relationship cause you pain, and you’re afraid I’ll hurt you again. But I don’t have those memories. All I know is what I feel right now.” She took his arm and leaned against him. “I just wanted to share that with you.”

“And for that, Kathryn, I’m grateful. In all our years together, you were never so open and honest with me.”

“I’m sorry for that. I’m sure I thought I had a reason for behaving as I did.” She looked up at him, her face full of hope. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to put those memories behind you?”

He smiled, put an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her close. “Let’s take this one day at a time, okay? And once we’ve done whatever we can to help you regain your memories, we’ll decide how to proceed.”

She nodded and burrowed into his side, trusting that he would know best what to do. “I can’t imagine having a better friend than you, Chakotay.”

“You’re my best friend, too.”

She sighed, soaking up the warmth of his embrace. She wanted to ask why they hadn’t turned to each other when the ship returned to the Federation, but she was simply afraid the subject might damage the intimacy they had established at the moment. In time, she told herself, she’d understand everything. She would just have to be patient and wait for the right moment.

B’Elanna was sitting in the cabin’s tiny galley rocking her newborn son to sleep when Chakotay peeked in the door. “Is this a good time?”
“If you’re asking whether I’m finished nursing, the answer is yes.” B’Elanna smiled as she watched her good friend step into the cabin and sit down at the galley’s table. “I didn’t know you were so shy, Chakotay.”

“My mom nursed all my little brothers and sisters, but I was too busy and too young to notice the details,” he said, blushing slightly. He nodded toward the sleep chamber. “Has Kathryn had any more nightmares?”

“Not in a couple of days.” B’Elanna glanced toward the room and lowered her voice. “That’s both good and bad, actually. The nightmares almost always signal a newly restored memory. I’m afraid the process is slowing down.”

A few days earlier, just three weeks after they’d arrived at the colony, Kathryn had begun a series of procedures which had been designed by the local doctors to repair her memory. The procedure had been only partially successful and had brought about terrifying nightmares as her memory returned in starts and stops. It had not been the resounding success they’d been hoping for, and even worse, the chances for complete memory restoration faded with each passing day.

“I bet she’s depressed. I should’ve stuck around.”

B’Elanna shifted the baby to her shoulder and grinned when she heard a small burp. “She knew you had to check on the new sensor array, Chakotay. After all, she helped you finish its design.”

He nodded, remembering their hours together fondly. She’d spent most of the trip back from Luxtor studying their technology and getting herself up to speed on the Republic’s engineering systems so she could really contribute to the colony once they’d arrived. While the doctors had worked on the medical procedure to restore her memory, she’d thrown herself into her work, designing several of the improvements that Chakotay had just implemented to their sensor array, and she had proposed some improvements to their power system that B’Elanna was studying, as well.

“You and Joey can go on home,” he said, relaxing in the chair, trying not to let himself feel disheartened about Kathryn’s condition. “I’ll stick around until she wakes up.”

“Are you sure? You just got back and must be tired.” She glanced out the window at the moonlight. “The second moon is rising. It must be three o’clock in the morning.”

“I slept on the shuttle.” At her skeptical look, he just laughed. “Ask Tom, if you’re accusing me of lying. Besides, he wants to see you and the baby.”

“Well, okay. But call me if you need me.”

“Sure. You and Joey need some sleep, too.” After B’Elanna and the baby left, Chakotay walked to the door of the tiny bedroom and peered in. The room was flooded with creamy moonlight revealing Kathryn sprawled on her back, one arm thrown over her head as she snored softly. He smiled, remembering the comfort of those gentle sounds from years earlier on New Earth. He was about to creep back into the galley when she suddenly grew quiet.

“Chakotay?” She sat up in bed and pushed her long hair back from her face with both hands. “Is that you?”

“It’s me. I sent B’Elanna and Joey home.”

She patted the bed, and he sat down beside her. “I’ve wanted to talk to you.”

He shifted to face her. “About what?”

“The procedure didn’t work, Chakotay, and it isn’t going to work.” He could see the disappointment in her face, the way she fought back tears of disappointment. “I think I need to accept the facts and make some decisions about my future.”

“You don’t need to hurry about making decisions.” He tried not to panic. He didn’t want to think about her leaving the Republic for the Federation, even though it was probably the thing she needed to do if she hoped to recover.

She put a hand on his arm. “Tom said you were willing to take me back across non-aligned space to the Federation. It’s a generous offer, especially in light of the dangers you’d face making a round trip.”

“Some of us probably need to go back for a visit. It’s been years since we left.”

“Then go for yourselves, not for me.” She took a deep breath and looked him squarely in the eye. “I’m staying here, if the Republic will have me.”

Chakotay didn’t even try to hide his surprise. “Are you sure? The doctors think that seeing familiar people and places might help restore your memory, and I’m more than willing to do whatever it takes to help you.”

“I know you are, and I . . .” she paused, nearly in tears, her hand gripping his arm. “I’m so grateful for your generosity and your friendship.” She got out of bed and walked to the window where she watched the second moon slowly clear the trees. “I don’t want to go back.”

He couldn’t believe his ears. Could this be the same woman who had put her life and happiness aside for seven long years just so she could see an Indiana sunrise again? “Are you sure?”

She turned and faced him. “As far as they’re concerned, I’ve been dead for five years. And the person they knew is dead, because I’m not the same Admiral Kathryn Janeway who disappeared five years ago. I couldn’t resume the life I had there even if I wanted to. If I have to start a new life, this is as good a place as any.”

“What about your family?”

“My mother is dead, Chakotay, you know that. And Phoebe’s life revolves around her husband and children, as it should. I don’t want to be the old maid aunt who doesn’t remember who she is. Poor pitiful Aunt Kathryn.”

“They wouldn’t think that about you.” He watched as she reached up and brushed tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands, trying to remember if he’d ever seen her cry on Voyager.

“I’m not the person they think I am. I’m just a fraction of what I used to be.”

“The best part,” he assured her. “The real you.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

“If you want to stay, Kathryn, we’d love to have you. You’ve retained your scientific knowledge and your leadership skills, and you’ve been a big help so far.”

“I’m glad.” She swallowed, blinking back more tears. “I feel at home here, in this cabin. Could I just continue to live here?”

“I don’t know why not. I like having you as a neighbor again.” She sagged against the wall in relief. “But I don’t want you to give up yet, Kathryn. I think you should go through the copy of Voyager’s logs we brought with us. The doctor thinks they might help jog your memory. Those were intense years in your life, years that might just restore some of what you’ve lost.”

“All right, it’s a deal. I get to stay here and continue working with you or B’Elanna as long as I review the logs.” She crossed the room and sat back down beside him on the bed, suddenly exhausted. “I’m sorry to poop out on you, but I’m worn out. I haven’t slept well since they did the procedure.”

Chakotay pulled back the covers. “Get some sleep. I’ll be on the sofa in the other room. If you need me, call me.”

“Why the sofa?” she asked, patting the bed beside her. “It’s so short you can’t even stretch out on it. There’s room for you here.”

“Kathryn, I . . . I don’t want to take advantage of this situation. You aren’t yourself.”

“You keep saying that, but I only know what I feel.” She slipped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. “If it weren’t for you, I’d be completely alone. And I’ve felt a special bond with you since I first saw you.”

Chakotay swallowed, feeling the hammering of his heart in his chest. He was beginning to believe that she really, truly loved him, but he wasn’t convinced that he should follow through on the intimacy she offered until her memory was restored.

He sensed, though, that this wasn’t the time, that if and when they acted on their mutual attraction, they would both have to be themselves. He gave her a one-armed hug and stood up. “I slept the whole way back from the array because Tom wanted to push the speed envelope and get home to his family. You need your sleep, and I’m afraid I’d be a distraction. I’ll just be in the next room.”

“You’re too kind.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “Everyone has been too kind. I don’t deserve all you’ve done for me.”

“Oh, yes, you do, Kathryn,” he chuckled as he leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “You just don’t remember why.”

The days in the Republic settled into a comforting routine. Although Kathryn’s formal training had been in astrophysics, she found herself caught up in the technological challenges faced by the colony’s engineers and soon became a valued sounding board for B’Elanna and her subordinates. She and B’Elanna were happy to remain on the planet while Tom and Chakotay traveled through the Republic maintaining the security grid and keeping the militia properly trained. Their friendship quickly deepened and the Paris children came to see Kathryn as a surrogate grandmother, much to her joy.
In the evenings, she returned to her tiny cabin and focused her time on the copies of Voyager’s logs, the news reports surrounding their disappearance and return, and the official reports that the Maquis had brought with them when they left Federation space. She was gradually learning the names and personalities of the absent members of the crew and coming to better understand the ones she had come to know in the Republic. And there were some nights when huge chunks of her memory would suddenly resurface, often accompanied by terrifying memories and always with a feeling of a heavy, relentless responsibility.

Perhaps the most problematic memory concerned Seven of Nine, the Borg drone they had rescued from nearly two decades of assimilation. The Maquis had talked about the woman, of course, and had explained her unusual name as a Borg designation, but Kathryn had never really grasped the significance of the woman’s presence on the ship. She had decided to review the logs in chronological order, which meant that she’d been in the Republic a couple of months before she discovered how and why she had brought a Borg drone onto the ship.

Reading about her brief liaison with the Borg and their near destruction by species 8472 had triggered a whole series of memories surrounding Seven of Nine, many of them very troubling. There had been arguments, confrontations, dangerous rescues, and betrayals between herself and Seven and between herself and her first officer. She was haunted by the memories and found it impossible to sleep unless she was physically exhausted or took a sleep aid. She began to stay up late, rereading the logs and contemplating what had happened.

Chakotay returned in the wee hours of the morning after a week-long series of drills only to see the lights still on in Kathryn’s cabin. He decided to stop by and say hello before he went to his own house for some much needed sleep. Although she was up long hours on Voyager, she’d made it a habit to go to bed earlier and sleep longer since they’d rescued her, and he wanted to make sure that these late hours didn’t mean that she was troubled by something.

“Chakotay!” she said as she ushered him into her tiny living room. “What a nice surprise!”

“I know it’s late, but I saw that your light was on and decided that I should let you know I’m back in case you see someone walking around in my house and think I’m being burglarized.” He sat down and looked around, noticing that it was 0200 and she was still in her work clothes. “Are you working late or getting up early?”

She smiled and shook her head, wondering if she should just admit the troublesome memories and talk to him about them or just let them ride. “Just reading these Voyager logs.”

He reached over and picked up the PADD she’d tossed aside when he’d arrived. “Species 8472?” He looked up at her, studying her face. “A troubled time.”

“Very much so. You and I disagreed pretty vehemently.”

“We found common ground.”

“And we found Seven of Nine.” She sat down by him and slumped into the cushions, her eyes suddenly very troubled. “I remember that.”

“You mean some of your memories have been restored?”

“I’ll say. All at once, like a huge data dump, all the controversy, all the struggles surrounding Seven and our repeated run-ins with the Borg hit me.” She closed her eyes. “I remember the sound and smells of the cube. The odd reflection of light in the queen’s eyes. The unrelenting fear of losing the ship. The feeling of assimilation tubules entering my neck. Seven of Nine’s incredibly difficult struggle to return to the human race.”

“All of it then,” he said, his voice a whisper.

“Seven is the reason we aren’t together.” She was looking at him now, challenging him. “Whether she meant to do it or not, she gradually came between us. At first, you didn’t want her on the ship at all, but I insisted. You balked at working with her, but I ordered you to do so. For years, you left her discipline and training to me. And then, just before we returned to the Alpha Quadrant, you . . . and she . . . well, you know what happened.”

“Nothing happened, Kathryn. I tried to tell you that, but you weren’t interested in hearing my explanations.” He buried his face in his hands. “The admiral had told you Seven and I were seriously involved, and you took that as gospel. Even after it was clear that Seven and I were not dating, you kept your distance. You made it clear to me that a relationship with you would never happen. What could I do? Stay there and continue to be rejected by you? I decided to give up and start a new life out here.”

“And then I fall into your lap again, just when you were beginning to put your life together. No wonder you hesitate to . . . trust me. I’m an unnecessary complication in your life once again.”

“It’s not like that. I’m delighted to see you and be with you again, under any parameters. I thought you were dead and gone forever, Kathryn. When I heard about your shuttle disappearing without a trace, I grieved for a long, long time.” Tears filled his eyes and he shook his head. “As unreasonable as it sounds, I never really gave up on us until then.”

“Chakotay.” She put her arm around him. “I don’t know why I acted as I did. I don’t remember most of it, and I’m not sure I want to remember.” She hesitated, her eyes widening with surprise. “You’re afraid I’ll reject you again if my memories are ever restored, aren’t you?”

He nodded, miserable. “I don’t think I could survive another loss like that, Kathryn. Having you here like this, having our friendship back, is more than I could have ever dreamed of happening. But to take this further and then have you withdraw . . . .”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m never getting those memories back, Chakotay. And if I do, I promise you I’ll never leave you.”

“You can’t know that.”

She turned him so that he looked her in the eye. “What kind of promise can we make to anyone else about the future? I love you. I think I always loved you. Right now, I want to kiss you and make love to you and wake up in the morning in your arms and do it all over again. That’s all anyone can promise. One day at a time.”

“You love me?”

“More than life itself.”

He pulled her into an embrace, burying his face in her hair. “Thank God. I love you, too.”

She stood up and held out her hand. “Come to bed with me. I want to show you how much I love you.”

To be continued . . .