Broken Hearts

by mizvoy

Chapter 5

Late September 2378—North American continent

Gretchen Janeway

Just a day after returning from his chance meeting with Admiral Janeway on Jupiter Station, Chakotay was selected to do a series of seven lectures on the Voyager artifacts, roughly one lecture per year of their journey. He threw himself into the first year’s collection with glee, starting with the blanket and small tea set that the Ocampa had given the captain for helping them begin their transformation toward a self-sustaining society, each item taking him back to those first dramatic days of their journey.

His hope had been that this engrossing job would take his mind off of Kathryn’s fascinating history once and for all, but he soon learned that handling items that had been acquired while they served together on Voyager only served to keep her constantly on his mind. He remembered vividly when each gift had been offered, how Kathryn had graciously accepted it, and how he had packed it away for posterity, carefully recording the date, time, and significance of the artifact to the culture that had given it. The job had been his favorite duty on the ship, and he’d kept such detailed and careful notes that it was simple to construct an interesting lecture—so simple, in fact, that his mind kept wandering back to Kathryn.

When she had been a lowly ensign and a science officer, she had been captured by the Cardassians and thrown into prison just a few months into her first deep space assignment. She had been rescued just days later by a member of the crew, and, perhaps as a result of her gratitude, she fell madly and deeply in love with him, agreeing to marry him less than a year after her graduation from the academy.

He shook his head in disbelief. It was incredible to think that his captain, whose emotions were consistently reserved and aloof in her dealings with Voyager’s crew, had been so eager to commit herself to a permanent relationship at the very beginning of her career, but apparently it had happened. She had been ready to do whatever it took to be a wife as well as a Starfleet officer.

And then, when the ship returned to Earth and she took her fiancé home to meet the family, her father had taken the couple with him on a test flight of a prototype ship, a flight that had ended in disaster—critical, nearly fatal injuries for Kathryn and death for the two men she adored. It was a miracle that she had survived, a bigger miracle that she survived with her sanity intact.

Even so, everyone said that she emerged from this ordeal a different person, and who wouldn’t? Living through trauma as profound as what she’d been through would have a permanent effect on anyone’s personality. After nearly a year of physical and psychological therapy, she returned to active duty, changed specialties from science to command, and began what could only be described as an lukewarm relationship with a life-long friend who described himself as a shield from other men—a safety net she used to protect herself from deeper emotional ties.

The whole story was simply fascinating to Chakotay, who was having a difficult time reconciling it to the woman he’d come to know in the Delta Quadrant. He made no secret of the fact that he had studied her closely on Voyager, not only so that he could be a better first officer, but because he found her such a compelling personality, an uncanny combination of delicate lace and unyielding duranium, a beautiful woman who was a consummate Starfleet captain.

Her comments at Jupiter Station about confronting her past made him think that the time was ripe, that she might finally be ready to work through that trauma and put it behind her once and for all. He was anxious to confront Kathryn about her past, but also afraid that she would completely withdraw from him if he did so without a good idea of how to handle her reaction. There was really only one other person who could help fill in the tantalizing facts that were still missing in the story—her mother. If he wanted to help Kathryn, he would need to know all he could before he began the process.

Chakotay contacted Gretchen Janeway the Friday after his return to earth, and was surprised that she seemed to be expecting his call; no doubt she’d been tipped off by her younger daughter, Phoebe, about his quiet investigation of Kathryn’s past.

“I’ve been wondering when you’d get around to talking to me,” Gretchen said, giving him a mysterious smile. “Why don’t you come for lunch on Sunday? I have a new recipe for spinach lasagna that I want to try, and you would be the perfect person to critique it.”

Chakotay had met Gretchen at both formal and informal Starfleet dinners and receptions, and he and Seven of Nine had been guests at Gretchen’s home the previous summer, so he was fairly comfortable in talking to her about her daughter. He’d never met Kathryn’s father, of course, but he was willing to bet that her mother was the source of her excellent interpersonal skills and incredibly accurate intuition. He’d seen Gretchen studying him and Kathryn and had wondered what she’d sensed about their friendship that brought the knowing twinkle to her eye. He had no doubt that she’d be gathering as much information from him as he was getting from her during their Sunday meeting.

Frankly, Gretchen Janeway fascinated him. For one thing, she was nearly a carbon copy of the Admiral Janeway who had traveled back in time to bring Voyager home, the only differences being Gretchen’s lighter blue eyes and several inches of height. Her voice sounded so much like Kathryn’s that he felt certain she could fool anyone on Voyager into thinking she was their captain if she spoke over a ship-wide intercom. And, most importantly, she seemed to look into his heart, the way Kathryn did. He doubted very much that he could successfully lie to her, and so he approached their talk with a little trepidation. Gretchen might ask him questions about his feelings for her daughter that he was unwilling to discuss.

The meal went well. The lasagna was delicious, as was the homemade bread, green salad, and strawberry cheesecake. Chakotay enjoyed their friendly banter during dinner, regaling her with a dozen hilarious stories from his seven years service on Voyager and hearing equally interesting accounts of Kathryn’s childhood. He had such a wonderful time that he decided, mid-cheesecake, to forego the real reason for his visit and simply enjoy her company. After helping her clean up the kitchen, they settled on the same back porch where he and Phoebe had talked that summer and shared a steaming pot of coffee.

He soon discovered, however, that Gretchen wasn’t about to let him get away without telling her the reason for his visit.

“I’m flattered, of course, to have such a handsome young man visit me,” she said, giving him an irreverent smile, “but I’m sure you’re here to ask me about Katie. Right?”

He blushed and gave her a dimpled grin. “The longer I’m home, the more I hear about her from others, the more I realize how much of herself she hid from me . . . from us . . . while we served under her. I knew Voyager’s Captain Janeway like the back of my hand, but Kathryn, and Katie, as you call her, has become a mystery that tantalizes me.”

“And you think I can solve the mystery?” She laughed, shaking her head. “Since she was a little girl, Katie had a mind of her own. She was driven to do her best always, and she seemed determined to please everyone she cared about, especially Edward, her father. There were times that I feared she connected success with love and acceptance so much that she would never be able to forgive herself if she failed at an important task.”

Chakotay glanced away, realizing that she must have felt she’d failed in preventing her father’s and Justin’s deaths. “What if she did fail at something important, Gretchen? How would she deal with it?”

“How did she deal with it on Voyager?”

“Usually she was furious with herself, accepting no explanations and offering no excuses. And she threw herself into the next challenge that came along with even more dedication.” He paused a moment, remembering how many times she’d started a conversation by saying they couldn’t change what had happened, but they could change what happened next. “She never wanted to talk about our failures, not after we’d decided what had gone wrong. She never dwelled on it out loud, but I suspect she carried it around inside.”

“I suspect you’re right.”

“But, Gretchen, that’s not a healthy way to be.”

“She was the captain, Chakotay. She had no right to burden her crew with her problems. She was groomed from the cradle for the job, and she willingly did whatever was demanded to be successful at it.”

“But I was her friend for nearly seven years! Are you saying she kept up that façade for all that time?”

“If you needed her to be a friend, she would be your friend, Chakotay, but, only as much of a friend as her position would allow her to be. Her needs, her wants would never be part of the equation.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “So our friendship was an act? She was being insincere?”

“I know she thinks the world of you, if that’s what you mean. Are you saying she never relaxed around you?”

“Oh, no, she was very relaxed in private. We told each other stories, we laughed, we shared meals. But I didn’t realize how much she was holding back from me–the most important details of her life. I thought we’d discussed everything significant that had happened to us. I know I did. But then, I get back and find out that she didn’t tell me the most devastating heartbreak in her life!”

Gretchen nodded, and her voice cracked. “The crash of the Terra Nova.” For a moment, Chakotay thought she might cry. “She believes she should have found a way to save them. She survived and they didn’t, the men she loved more than life itself. She’s spent the rest of her life trying to make up the difference, Chakotay.”

“But that’s not fair.”

She gave him a weak smile. “You think we haven’t tried to tell her that? Her family? Her counselors? Her Starfleet mentors? Neither Edward nor Justin would want her to be unhappy, or haunted, or ashamed, and she knows that on an intellectual level. She’s been very successful in her career, Chakotay, but not so much in her private life. She won’t allow herself real personal joy, and time hasn’t lessened that resolve. And her promotion to captain didn’t help. The need for the captain to be aloof and separate has only served to accentuate some of her bad habits.”

“But, I would think that time would resolve some of those habits.”

“I guess there are some injuries that never heal.”

“The Bajorans have a saying about that: ‘A broken heart never stops bleeding.'”

“I think, in Katie’s case, that’s true.”

“Did I ever know her?” Chakotay asked, walking to the window. He struggled to keep his temper in check. “Was everything she told me a half truth or a blatant lie?”

“Of course not.” Gretchen Janeway followed him, putting a comforting hand on his arm. “Kathryn Janeway wouldn’t lie to you about anything important, and you know that.”

“There’s such a thing as a lie of omission,” he insisted, giving her a miserable look. “We spent hours and hours together. We shared everything for years. I thought we were friends, even best friends. I thought we could tell each other anything. I thought we had told each other everything.”

“You know who Kathryn really is, you just didn’t know why she’s the way she is.” Gretchen let that thought sink in before she continued. “We’re all the product of our experiences.”

“Yes, we are.” He relaxed slightly and took a deep breath. “It’s just that so many of my assumptions about her were wrong because I didn’t know the experiences that shaped her. And I believe she wanted me to be misled.”

“She probably didn’t want to burden you. She has trouble facing her past and tries hard to forget about it. We all have memories that are too painful to acknowledge, Chakotay. Some experiences break your heart so completely that it never truly heals. You just find a way to continue living in spite of it.”

“You find the courage to live with a broken heart.”

“What else can you do?” Gretchen led him back to the sofa where they sat down again.

“We all do what we have to do,” he answered her, realizing that he was speaking words he’d heard Kathryn use time and again in the Delta Quadrant.

“The Kathryn who emerged from the crash wasn’t the same person she’d been before, Chakotay. She couldn’t be. Her heart was broken that day beyond anyone’s ability to heal.” She leaned over to refill her mug with coffee, but her hands were shaking too much to hold the pot. Chakotay took it from her and filled the mug for her.

“I’m sorry to upset you,” he said as he handed her the mug. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s not your fault. All of us were damaged, Chakotay. Phoebe was devastated, her family shattered. I lost my husband of nearly thirty years and my future son-in-law. In many ways, I lost my daughter, too. Katie struggled so hard to survive her injuries, only to wish she’d died when she learned what the accident had cost her. It was simply too much for her. Too hard.”

The woman wilted into Chakotay’s arms and cried bitter tears into his shoulder. He comforted her and reassured her and then said, “Kathryn’s heart was broken?” Gretchen nodded, keeping her face buried. He continued, his voice thoughtful, “But she was a tower of strength to us. She faced down incredible odds without blinking. She took calculated risks that would scare accomplished test pilots to death. She never looked away from danger or refused a challenge. You’re telling me that this lioness I served under is in reality a woman who’s afraid of her own past?”

“I know she’s tough when she has to be, especially on a bridge. But she can’t talk about that one day, Chakotay. She can’t and she won’t.” Gretchen pulled away and dried her eyes on a napkin.

“She talked to the counselors about it? To you? I know she talked to Mark Johnson about it.”

“Oh, yes, she had to, of course. Early on, she talked about it once in awhile. But each telling was also a reliving of the disaster. I doubt that she’s mentioned it to anyone in ten years. And when someone has the audacity to ask her about it, she always says that it happened in someone else’s life, not hers.” She looked away. “But she thinks about it, Chakotay. I can see it in her face some mornings when she hasn’t slept well. I can sense it when she comms me from deep space just to talk about nothing in particular. There are times when I wish I could erase it from her memory.”

Stunned, Chakotay just looked at her. “Funny you should say that, because Kathryn has said almost the same thing herself.” He just shook his head, remembering how different Kathryn had been when her memories of earth had been erased on Quarra. On that planet, she told him that she had been able to fall in love with Jaffen because she’d been relieved of a burden of guilt from her past. “Usually, the memorial service helps bring such issues to a head.”

“Well,” Gretchen started, wiping her tears away with a tissue, “about the memorial service.”

“Don’t tell me.” He looked at her in disbelief. “You never had one.”

“Right after the accident, all we could think about was Katie and whether or not she would survive. They brought her back to a hospital in Chicago, and Phoebe and I spent every possible minute we could with her. Once she regained consciousness, she was fragile and weak. She was involved in months of physical and psychological therapy that took up all my free time.” She stared into the fire as she spoke, her eyes unfocused. “Emotionally, a memorial service could have been devastating for her, and so we decided to let it go.”

“What about their remains? Did you bury them without a ceremony?”

“The bodies were never recovered from the planet.” Gretchen glanced at him and shrugged. “I know it sounds strange, but Edward often talked about a crash site being a fitting resting place for the dead. It isn’t unprecedented.”

“No, it isn’t, but it is unusual not to have some sort of memorial. Without one, it’s hard for the survivors to reach closure.”

“Yes, it is.” She dabbed at the tears that fell from her eyes again. “I’ve thought it would be nice to have a place to go that is dedicated to Edward’s memory.” She gave him a shy smile. “I sometimes find myself talking to him.”

“I’d be surprised if you didn’t,” Chakotay sympathized, taking her hand. “Maybe it’s time for the ceremony?”

“I think it’s too late. Katie would never agree to it.”

“It really isn’t her decision to make. And, anyway, you might be surprised, Gretchen. Maybe she’s ready to move on.”

“I wouldn’t even know how to broach the subject.”

“We’re talking about your husband, Gretchen. You don’t need Kathryn’s permission to recover his body and have a memorial ceremony. She might choose not to come–that’s her right. But . . . . ” He stopped as the woman burst into tears. He pulled her into an embrace and let her cry on his shoulder. “It’s not being selfish to do what you need to do to feel comfortable about your husband’s grave site. If you want me to, I’ll help arrange things. I’ll even talk to Kathryn.”

“You must think I’m a fool to indulge Katie as I have, but I was so afraid for her, and then it had been almost a year since he’d died, and she was just beginning to resume her life and career.”

“I understand. You didn’t want to add to her difficulties.”

“I know she seems indestructible on the bridge–at least that’s what people tell me. But, in her personal life, she is emotionally controlled and aloof. She never really recovered from her loss.”

“What about Mark Johnson? They were engaged to be married, right?”

“Yes, they were. Mark accepted her limitations. He’s loved Katie for years. I think he’s always loved her, and he forgave her for her inability to love him back. In some ways, it’s a blessing that he moved on and found someone who can commit everything to him.”

Chakotay felt melancholy welling up from deep within. “A heartbreaking story, but one of great courage.”

“Katie’s story? Yes.” Gretchen struggled with her emotions a moment before taking a deep, calming breath. “No one knows what happened in those last minutes on the Terra Nova, not even Katie can remember the specifics. But she believes that she could have, even should have, done something to save their lives.”

“She can’t know that. She doesn’t remember what happened just before the crash, right? Why would she remember something right after it? She can’t really know that she could’ve saved them.”

“Apparently, there is evidence that Edward and Justin did something to increase her chances for survival. They both loved her enough to die for her, God knows.”

Chakotay remembered Phoebe’s words about how wrong Justin had been for her sister and wondered if Gretchen shared that opinion. He hesitated, trying to think of a way to broach the subject. Finally, he decided on the simplest question possible: “What was Justin like?”

“Nice looking, and well respected in his work, according to Edward. He was a lieutenant, several years older than Katie, and I could tell he loved her.” She looked away. “I only met him a few times, Chakotay, and hesitate to jump to conclusions about someone when I didn’t know him as well as I should.”

“You had reservations about him and Kathryn?”

“I thought she was in too much of a hurry to get married.” She shook her head. “Katie was obsessed with Justin, so much so that she would have put her Starfleet career on the back burner so she could be his wife. He could do no wrong in her eyes–just like her father. She thought he was the perfect man.”

“And he wasn’t perfect.”

She smiled at him. “No one is perfect, Chakotay. Edward had his flaws, just as Justin did, even though Katie preferred to overlook them. The problem was that Katie deluded herself.” She shook her head. “Or at least, I thought she did. I saw Edward’s defects before I married him, and I knew I could live with them. Kathryn, on the other hand, thought Justin was perfect . . . or perhaps she simply believed his flaws were irrelevant, or that she could change him.” She shrugged. “I don’t believe that a marriage based on that kind of fantasy would have stood the test of time.”

“So you agree with Phoebe? You thought the marriage was doomed?”

“Not at all. Phoebe tends to be overly dramatic–surely you’ve noticed?” She chuckled. “Never underestimate Katie’s self-discipline and determination–she would never have given up on Justin. She would have made the marriage work, would have done whatever was necessary to make it last. But, I don’t think she would have been happy with Justin. Not in the long run.”

“She doesn’t realize that, of course.”

“No, she doesn’t. Their relationship was still new when it ended so tragically, and I’m sure she preserves that ‘glow’ of first true love when she thinks of him. And I’m also sure that she thinks he and her father died saving her life.”

“How can she know that?”

Gretchen shrugged. “I think the flight recorder was recovered. There was something about the angle and speed of re-entry being manipulated so that the rear section of the Terra Nova, where Katie was working, sheered off, floating down gently with the parachute.”

“The parachute.” Chakotay nodded, thinking out loud. “If their descent was too fast and too steep, the chute wouldn’t slow down the entire vessel sufficiently. But if the rear section, the part that housed the chute, came down alone . . . .”

“That was it,” Gretchen agreed, putting her hand on his arm. “Katie felt that they had intentionally maneuvered the ship to insure her survival.”

He covered her hand with his own, desperately wanting to comfort this woman who had suffered so much pain and loss. “So she truly feels she owes them her life.”

“Yes,” she replied, leaning against the solid comfort of his body, grateful to have a sympathetic ear. “Kathryn claims that she owes them a debt that she can never repay.”

Later, after he returned to San Francisco, Chakotay took a long walk through his neighborhood, lost in thought. It was a perfect September day, warm and sunny with a spectacular sunset. Although he was surrounded by tourists, he focused on what he had to do. Kathryn was expected to return from her sister’s in just a few days, and he was determined to confront her about her past in a way that would allow her to find some sort of closure. There had to be a way.

Being alone with Gretchen had made him rethink his reaction to the Admiral Janeway who had sacrificed her life to bring Voyager home. He’d believed that she had been damaged by their extended period of exile in the Delta Quadrant, and that belief hadn’t changed. But now that he knew the whole story of Kathryn’s past, he also knew that the impact her survival guilt had added to the strain. Kathryn might end up as troubled and sorrowful as the admiral if this issue remained unresolved throughout her life.

His apartment was cool and dark when he returned just after sunset, and the missed call light blinked a dull red on his comm unit as he closed the door behind him. He peeled off his jacket and slumped into the chair, quickly entering his code to check his messages.

The first call was from Kathryn.

“I’m arriving Tuesday night on the 1800 shuttle. How about dinner? Let me know before I leave,” she glanced at something beside her on the desk, probably a flight schedule, “tomorrow at 0800 your time. I’ve missed you.” She gave him a smile as she broke the connection.

He mavelled at the way fate was working in his favor. He acknowledged his receipt of the dinner invitation and agreed to meet her–they would finalize when and where once she arrived. He had just two days to formulate his plans.

It was time for Kathryn Janeway to move on, and he was just the man to make it happen.