Broken Hearts

by mizvoy

Chapter 2

June 30, 2378–Indiana

Phoebe Janeway

“Well, you and Kathryn are sure fun to be around.” Phoebe Janeway walked onto her mother’s screened sun room and set a tray on the low table in front of the sofa. “I don’t think you two have said ten words to each other since you arrived.”

Chakotay looked up from the book he was reading and sighed. He had forgotten how nosy a kid sister could be, even when she was someone else’s. “I thought you were going to help your mother clean up the kitchen.”

“I did all she’d let me do, but then she kicked me out. She won’t let me touch the Kiernan crystal–says I’m too clumsy–and insisted I come out and keep you company.”

After the awkward atmosphere over lunch, with its stilted, stop-and-go conversation, Kathryn and Seven had retired to the study to go over the design of the prototype shuttle Kathryn had flown to Indiana from San Francisco. The gleaming, streamlined ship sat about a hundred yards behind the Janeway house where it literally dominated the view.

Phoebe handed him a glass of iced tea from the tray and sat down next to him on the sofa. “So, what exactly are you and Katie fighting about?”

“What makes you think we’re fighting?”

“I might be an artist, but I’m not an idiot.”

He laughed. “No one would accuse you of that, Phoebe.”

“When I’ve been around you two before, you’ve seemed so in tune with each other that you can practically finish each other’s sentences.” She sipped the tea and waited for a reply.

Chakotay shifted in his seat. Phoebe was good at this casual probing, he had to hand her that. “We don’t see each other as much as we did on Voyager or even during the debriefings. Maybe that’s it.”

“That’s not it,” Phoebe disagreed. “It is something to do with you and Seven? Katie has said all along that you two were an item–destined to be together. When you arrived separately today, you could’ve knocked her over with a feather.” She took another sip of the tea and continued to study his expression for the slightest clue of hitting a nerve.

“I know Kathryn thinks that, but everything has changed since Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant.” Phoebe leaned forward, suddenly quite fascinated. Oh, yes, he thought to himself, she was a consummate younger sister.

“You didn’t break Seven’s heart did you? Because Kathryn would be very upset to see her surrogate daughter hurt.”

Chakotay nearly choked on his tea. “Surrogate daughter?”

She handed him a napkin for the tea that had came through his nose and pounded him on the back until he could breathe again. “She has very maternal feelings toward Seven and would be upset if she thought you’d hurt her.

“I have been the perfect gentleman, Phoebe.”

“Katie says Seven alternates between sixteen and sixty–sometimes as wise as an adult, other times as defiant as a teenager.”

“Well, that’s true.” He grew quiet, recalling the many times on Voyager that he and the captain had discussed Seven of Nine as if she were a youngster they were parenting together. With a shock of clarity, he wondered if he’d begun dating Seven because he despaired of connecting with the captain and because Seven reminded him of her mentor so much. It was a problem he would have to contemplate later, when he wasn’t under Phoebe’s intent scrutiny. “Seven has discovered that about half of the Federation is of the opposite sex, and that most of them are fascinated by her.”

“She is certainly the center of attention wherever she goes,” Phoebe took his glass and refilled it, handing it back to him with a wink. “It’s just that Katie was quite puzzled by your disappearance from the reception last week, especially with Seven in attendance. She said you and Admiral Paris were hiding in the bar.”

“I wasn’t hiding. I just needed some peace and quiet, that’s all.”

“I’m assuming that in the seven years you served together on Voyager, you and Kathryn managed to get along with each other when you were at odds over official business.” He felt her eyes studying his profile again. There was a suggestion of intrigue in her voice as she continued, “And yet today, you practically ignore each other, and the waves of tension I felt made it almost impossible to eat. Makes me think it must be something personal.”

“And none of your business,” he said as politely as possible. When she laughed, he gave her a long look, realizing that he’d shown his hand. “It’s a long story.”

She knew better than to gloat over her victory, immediately changing her tone to something closer to sympathy. “You don’t have to tell me, but if you want to, I have time.”

He wondered how to explain the situation, or even if he should. In the week since Kathryn’s promotion, he’d had plenty of time to look for the details of her father’s accident–with little success. He discovered that it was, in fact, still highly classified, presumably because the type of propulsion the admiral been designing, something called a warp thruster, was still on the drawing board. The accident had occurred just before a huge Cardassian attack that had dominated the Fednews for weeks. All he found was a small report of a test flight accident with casualties–one being Admiral Edward Janeway–whose memorial services were pending. There was no mention of the location of the crash, nor of Kathryn’s name. In spite of his discrete inquiries, there were no officers around who could remember a minor accident from twenty years before.

Well, he’d thought he’d been discrete until he’d received a very terse and angry message from Kathryn that instructed him to keep his nose out of things that were none of his business. That had occurred just two days earlier. She’d ended the transmission with a thinly veiled threat, “I’ll call the authorities about this, Chakotay. I mean it.”

He gave Phoebe a mysterious grin. “Maybe you should ask your sister these questions?”

“Oh, I will, don’t worry.” She put her glass, letting the subject drop as her mother poked her head into the room.

Gretchen perched on the edge of a chair. “I thought I’d come out for a minute while the coffee is brewing,” she explained. “Is this your first trip to Indiana, Chakotay?”

“No, it isn’t. I had a roommate from South Bend when I was at the Academy,” he answered, conscious of Phoebe’s obvious irritation at the change of subject, “but this part of the state is much different–green, fertile farmland and rolling hills like my home planet. I feel very comfortable here.”

“I thought Dorvan V was a desert planet.”

He smiled. “It was, but Dorvan isn’t my home planet. I grew up on Trebus. My family moved to Dorvan V a few years after I left to join Starfleet. In fact, my older sister, Rianna, still lives on Trebus.”

“She’s your only living relative, right?” He nodded, obviously upset, and could tell that Gretchen regretted that she’d reminded him of it. “I’m so sorry about your family.”

“There are times when I get very angry about their deaths.” He rubbed his face with his hands. “Even after all these years, over a decade, I regret not being more proactive about the Cardassians taking over Dorvan and the other settlements. I should’ve left Starfleet and forced them to resettle when the Federation withdrew their protection. Or I should’ve joined the Maquis earlier and been there to defend them.”

Gretchen sat back and studied him carefully. “I’m not sure one person would’ve made a difference, Chakotay. Your people weren’t about to leave their homes. And the Maquis couldn’t have prevented the all-out attack that destroyed the planet. The Federation never thought something as horrible as the massacre would happen.”

“Well, they were wrong.” His eyes flashed as he struggled to control his temper. He stood up and walked to the edge of the porch where he gripped the railing so hard his knuckles turned white. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and turned to face her, and she was relieved to see that his fury had dissipated. “Too many innocent people paid the ultimate price for trusting the Cardassians.”

“I know, and I wish it hadn’t happened.” Her eyes slid to the yard. “Where did Katie and Seven disappear to?”

“I think they’re still in the study discussing some modifications in the new ‘Delta shuttle.'” He sighed and shook his head.

“She’s so much like her father in that regard,” Gretchen said, getting up and heading back to the kitchen. “Always work first. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

As she left, Seven of Nine and Kathryn left the study through the patio doors and walked across the back yard toward the modified shuttle. Kathryn’s hands were in constant motion as she tried to illustrate whatever point she was making to the former drone. Chakotay and Phoebe watched them in silence, and then Phoebe said, “Seven of Nine is such an interesting personality. Katie goes on and on about her. Don’t you ever get tired of her?”

“You mean Seven?” He turned to look at the Phoebe, so much like Kathryn that he often found himself staring at her in fascination–the same face and smile, but blond hair and green eyes, and not a sign of a freckle.

“Actually, I meant Kathryn.”

He laughed. “No, I don’t get tired of Kathryn. But Seven? There are times when I wish I could delete half of what she knows from the dozens of species the Borg assimilated. And then there are other times when I think she doesn’t know enough about being human.” He looked out at the women where they stood next to the ship, Kathryn leaning over and pointing a tricorder at the underside of the port nacelle. “She’s constantly saying, ‘According to species 498’ or ‘Species 2110 faced this problem.’ It’s like talking to an encyclopedia.”

“And talking to Kathryn isn’t?” She leaned back, sipping her tea and propping her feet on the coffee table. “Miss Technobabble.”

“She has her moments, all right, but Kathryn is also very human, very empathetic. I hope Seven will be like that once she’s had enough experience to be able to understand other people’s troubles.”

“Oh, Katie’s had her troubles all right.” She grew thoughtful. “You know, you’re lucky you escaped her.”

He felt his heart lurch. For the second time in as many weeks, he’d been congratulated for being rejected by Kathryn. “Escaped her?”

“She can be tenacious and relentless when she wants a man, even if the match is hopeless. Even when everyone else can see the disaster that is unfolding right before their eyes.”

He was confused. “Are you talking about Mark Johnson?”

“No, not Mark. He was actually a pretty decent match for her. I was talking about Justin Tighe.”

He blinked in surprise. “Who?”

“Surely she told you about Justin? Her first fiancé?”

“She had another fiancé?”

Phoebe studied him carefully, holding her glass halfway to her mouth before setting it down with a thud on the table. “She never told you about Justin?”

“I would’ve remembered something as significant as a fiancé.”

“Interesting.” She glanced out at her sister who was now scanning the shuttle’s starboard nacelle. “But then, she probably didn’t tell you about Dad’s accident, either.”

“No, she didn’t. I heard about that from Admiral Paris.” He was stunned to learn of the same hidden trauma in Kathryn’s life from two different people. “The accident that killed him.”

Phoebe nodded. “And Justin, too.”

His mouth fell open in surprise. “Her fiancé was killed in the same accident that killed your father?”

“Admiral Paris left that part out, probably. Like the rest of us, he had reservations about Katie’s involvement with Justin.” She shrugged, picking up the glass again. “I personally thought the old goat had the hots for Katie. No one was good enough for her, as far as he was concerned, especially not a man as dangerous as Justin. He was a nonconformist, a rebel, and a tough Starfleet ranger. Paris didn’t like him much, even though he’s the one that rescued the two of them from prison.”

“The two of them? From what prison?”

Phoebe laughed and shook her head. “You did work with her for seven years, right? Just how well do you know my sister, Commander?”

“Obviously not as well as I thought,” he replied, feeling embarrassed. “None of this was in her official file.”

“No, of course it wasn’t,” she agreed. “The accident was classified as top secret–still is. They say it’s because of Dad’s propulsion system, but some people think it’s because the Cardassians shot Dad’s shuttle down.”

Chakotay’s eyes narrowed. “Inside Federation space?”

“Tau Ceti, actually. But there’s no proof of that as far as I know, even in the classified investigation. And her time in prison was also classified–something about the Cardassians thinking they were spying.”

Chakotay was so stunned by this information that he could hardly speak. “How long was she in the prison?”

“Not long. Justin and his team of Rangers rescued them pretty quickly, and Admiral Paris got the worst of it from what I was able to get out of her later.” She took a deep breath, looking out at the shuttle where Kathryn and Seven still stood talking. “But after that, she was simply smitten with Justin. She was in the process of planning their wedding when he died.”

“The admiral said she was injured.”

“She was.” Phoebe looked away, obviously moved by the memories. “It was a rough time for Mom and me, too. And Katie.” She swallowed back tears. “The physical injuries healed quickly, but the psychological ones . . . well, in some ways, she never really recovered.”

“That’s what Admiral Paris said.”

“For awhile, I was afraid she might never continue her career. But then she and Mark met again, and he seemed able to reach her in a way the rest of us couldn’t. She recovered well enough to return to Starfleet, but I never really thought she recovered completely.”

He looked toward the meadow, noticing that the two women had opened the hatch and entered the shuttle. “Is that why she and Mark never got married?”

She chuckled. “He was a glutton for punishment, if you ask me. Whatever Kathryn wanted, Kathryn got. It was sickening what the man was willing to put up with from her.”

“Love makes you do that.”

“So they say.” She looked at him from the corner of her eye. “I’m surprised she didn’t take advantage of you, Chakotay.”

“Advantage? You mean get involved with me?”

“She isn’t above manipulating people into doing what she wants.”

“Captains don’t have to manipulate people, Phoebe. They just give orders and everyone follows them.”

“I guess I mean that they have to convince people to trust them, to believe they really know what they’re doing when it’s all a big gamble. But you talked back, didn’t you?” she chuckled. “Admit it. I can tell by the way Katie treats you that you did.”

“Oh, really? How does she treat me?”

“She respects you, and she wants you to respect her back. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she wants your approval.” She looked out toward the shuttle where the two women had closed the hatch and started back toward the house, still talking. “Almost as much as she wanted Daddy’s.”

Chakotay choked on his tea for the second time. “I don’t think so. She acts like she doesn’t need anyone’s approval.”

“You got it right. She ‘acts’ that way.” Phoebe straightened up, wanting to finish their conversation before Kathryn and Seven arrived on the porch. “Look, you know Kathryn, the Starfleet captain, better than anyone in the galaxy. You know how she is, but I know why she’s the way she is. Losing Dad and Justin the way she did made her afraid to commit to anything but her career. She likes to keep an emotional distance between herself and others, because she just can’t risk being hurt so deeply again.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Surely the counselors helped her work through all of this before she returned to duty.”

“Katie’s ability to handle the demands of space duty convinced the counselors that she was perfectly fine. But I knew her before, and I see that the damage is still there. After all these years, I’ve finally stopped grieving over the sister I lost that day.” She glanced toward the yard, where Kathryn and Seven rapidly approached. “But I still hope that someday she’ll recover completely. I want my cheerful, loving, spontaneous sister back.”

Once the women joined Chakotay and Phoebe on the porch, Gretchen brought out coffee and pecan pie for a late dessert. Chakotay remained quiet, taking the opportunity to watch the four women interact with each other and hoping Kathryn would become more comfortable in his presence. Phoebe soon departed for home to meet her husband and sons who had spent the day with his parents in Ohio, and Seven, oblivious to the tension between Chakotay and Janeway, abruptly made her excuses and left for a weekend visit to Sweden via a prearranged transport.

Chakotay found himself alone with Gretchen, who continued a friendly conversation with him, and Kathryn, who responded with as few words as possible, and only when asked a direct question. After a few minutes, the discussion ground to a halt, and Gretchen sat quietly regarding her daughter in a very uncomfortable silence.

“Well,” Chakotay said at last, deciding to leave before tempers flared, “I should make arrangements for a transport back to San Francisco. If I could use your comm system . . . .”

“Why transport,” Gretchen asked, interrupting him, “when Kathryn is taking the shuttle back tonight? I’m sure she would be happy for some company.”

Kathryn was blushing furiously. “Mother, Chakotay probably needs to get back right away. I’ll have to take the shuttle through the landing protocols for San Francisco and then get transport back from the airport.”

“I’m in no hurry,” he said. He was irritated at her continued cold shoulder and enjoyed the chance to add to her discomfort for a change. She obviously didn’t want to spend time alone with him, so before he relented, he decided to prolong her agony. “And, besides, I’d love to ride in the new shuttle and see what the enhancements are like.”

Kathryn narrowed her eyes. “I’ll probably stay on here longer than you’d like, Chakotay.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” he joked, his eyes twinkling.

“Katie!” Gretchen interrupted, upset at her daughter’s bad manners. “He’s our guest!”

Before Chakotay could intervene and defuse the confrontation, Kathryn stood up, obviously angry at being chastised. “Fine, Mother. He’ll ride back with me.” She looked at Chakotay, initiating a conversation with him for the first time that day. “If you don’t mind, we’ll leave in thirty minutes or so. I need to shut down the computer in the study and gather a few of my things first.”

“That’s fine, Kathryn.” He watched her leave and then turned to Gretchen, who was glaring at the empty doorway. “I really didn’t mind beaming back, you know.”

“She’s been rude to you all day, Chakotay, and it’s high time she remembered her manners. I don’t care if she is an admiral, this is my house, and she’ll treat my guests with courtesy.”

He smiled and shook his head. “You know, we could’ve used you in the Delta Quadrant.”

“I’ll bet you could have,” she said, relaxing a little and grinning back at him. “Enjoy your last few minutes while I put what’s left of the pie in the cooler. She won’t be long.”

After she left, Chakotay was grateful for a few minutes of peace and quiet. He needed to think about all that he’d learned from Phoebe before he found himself trapped in a shuttle with a very angry Kathryn for the ninety-minute trip to the west coast. So she had not only lost her father in the accident, but her future husband, as well.

It was significant that she’d never told him about Justin. Chakotay knew full well that she wasn’t the type to commit casually to a relationship. She had remained faithful to Mark Johnson for four years in the Delta Quadrant, letting him go only after she learned that he had moved on and gotten married. How much more devoted would she have been to the first man she truly loved? It was a miracle that she’d moved on to Mark Johnson at all. Trauma this serious had a lifelong effect on the victim. It would be a seminal event in her character, a memory that would shape every relationship she established and every decision she made from that day forward. He sat quietly contemplating the situation until Kathryn reappeared and they bade Gretchen goodbye.

They boarded the shuttle and headed west into the lowering sun with the minimum of interaction. Thirty minutes into their flight, Chakotay realized that the only words she had spoken since they’d boarded the shuttle had been routine orders for the preflight checklist, occasional course corrections, and infrequent radio contacts with air traffic control. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, but she hadn’t moved a muscle in minutes.

He decided to risk fate and break the silence. “Kathryn, if there’s something you need to work on, I’m sure I can monitor the shuttle in the meantime.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning to face him. “I was just thinking that I owe you an apology.”

He blinked in surprise. Starfleet admirals seldom apologized for anything. “You do?”

“I’ve been rude to you today, and I’m sure I ruined everyone’s visit by treating you the way I did.”

“I’ve had more relaxing meals,” he admitted, giving her a shy grin.

“Exactly.” She paused a moment, as if steeling herself for something painful. “I’m not usually the type to pout and play silly games with people, so, if you don’t mind, I thought we might just clear the air right now.”

“All right. The direct approach has always worked for us in the past.”

“I thought that we agreed years ago to respect each other’s privacy.”

“We did. On Voyager, we had precious little that wasn’t public knowledge.”

“Your snooping into my past has to stop.”

He studied her face, seeing there a glimmer of fear that had been absent in even the most dangerous of times on Voyager’s bridge. “What are you afraid of, Kathryn?”

She bristled at the suggestion. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

“But you are. You’re afraid I’ll force you to talk about it, aren’t you? You’re afraid I’ll make you think about it again, relive the experience.”

She scowled and turned back to the console. “An accident that happened twenty years ago is hardly relevant today.”

“A person’s past is always relevant, Kathryn, because it shapes our reactions and beliefs. Besides, it explains a lot.”

“About what?”

“Your reticence. Your aloofness. I thought, on Voyager, that you were distant because you were the captain, and I thought you were much too dedicated to Starfleet protocols. But now I see that you keep an emotional distance even with your friends and family. It’s the way you are.”

She rolled her eyes. “Please don’t psychoanalyze me, Chakotay. You aren’t qualified.”

“I’ve been a Kathrynologist for years.”

“A . . . ‘Kathrynologist’?” The corner of her mouth quirked into a grin.

“One of the tasks a first officer faces is tying to understand the captain,” he explained, giving her a dimpled grin. “You were horribly hurt in that accident, Kathryn, and not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Loving someone brings a dangerous vulnerability, and to lose the two men who represented both your past and your future . . . .”

“Two men?” she interrupted him, turning to give him a deadly glare. “Who told you that?”

“Your dad and your fiancé died that day,” he replied calmly.

She activated the autopilot so she could focus completely on the conversation. “Who told you that Justin was on the ship?”

“Does it matter?”

“As you know, the accident is still classified, and there was no mention of the other casualties in any public report.” She stopped, her eyes narrowing as she realized the truth. “Phoebe!”

He shrugged in resignation. He knew that Phoebe would probably hear about this from Kathryn, but he was also sure Phoebe hadn’t told him these things in confidence. “She might have let it slip.”

“She has a big mouth.” Kathryn gripped her trembling hands in her lap. “She had no right to tell you about Justin.”

“His death affected her, too, you know. She lost a dad and a future brother-in-law that day. And she had the mistaken impression that you and I were friends.”

Her head snapped up. “We are friends.”

“Are we?” He gave her a long look. “I thought you trusted me, Kathryn. I thought I knew everything important about you.”

“You do know me. And I do trust you.”

“Yet you neglect to tell me about an accident that will haunt you all of the days of your life.”

“Oh, Chakotay, I hope it won’t. But it still hurts too much to remember it. I don’t talk about the accident because I’m trying to forget it happened.”

“Any luck with forgetting it so far?” He watched as tears filled her eyes and she shook her head. “I didn’t think so. A day doesn’t pass that I don’t remember the devastation I saw on Dorvan V or think about the fact that my family was incinerated like worthless vermin by the Cardassians.”

“Oh, Chakotay,” she said, reaching out to take his hand. “I’m so sorry.”

He took her small hand in both of his. “I feel just as sorry for your loss.”

She sighed. “I remember Dad and Justin every day, too. You’d think that after twenty years the period of mourning would be over.”

He gave her a sympathetic smile. “There are some losses that take a lifetime to mourn properly.”

She was about to answer him when the console beeped a warning of their imminent arrival in San Francisco’s controlled airspace, forcing them drop their conversation and focus on their approach and landing. As always, the escape into the routine tasks of their work–in this case piloting the shuttle–gave them both a moment to collect their thoughts and get a grip on their emotions.

A half hour later, they walked together toward the transport station.

“Chakotay, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the accident when we were on Voyager, and I understand why you feel hurt because I didn’t. I guess I thought the captain had to be ‘larger than life’ to the crew in order to keep their confidence. To reveal that I’m still troubled by something that happened so long ago seemed to me an admission of weakness I just couldn’t afford to make.”

“And as first officer, I had to think of you as ‘larger than life,’ too?”

“In so many ways.”

He bit back his disagreement, realizing that they couldn’t change the past. “I’m not part of your crew any more, Kathryn. I want you to trust me enough to tell me anything and know I’ll always be your friend.”

“I hope you’ll always be my friend,” she reiterated, slipping her hand into his. “And you’re right about me. I do hold back emotionally, because I just can’t bear to be hurt again the way I was when Dad and Justin died.”

As they arrived at the transport station, Chakotay stopped and took her hands in his. “I understand that you want to avoid being hurt, Kathryn, but think about ithis. We’re all tempted to avoid strong emotional connections because we fear the possibility of pain and loss, but in doing so we also miss the certainty of joy.”

“The certainty of joy,” she repeated softly. “I’ll think about that, Chakotay. And someday, I’ll tell you about the accident.”

“Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.” He lifted her hands briefly to his lips, and then reached to open the door for her.

He never saw the tear that traced its way down Kathryn’s cheek.